


About Today

by Pretendthisisfiction (HelloIWriteFanfic)



Category: Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Band, Angst, Brendon Is The Worst™, Falling In Love, Femininity, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jenna Is My Fave, Josh/Ryan Is Called Joyan And It's Good, Lot's of crying, Recovery, Ryan Needs A Hug And A Family, Slow Dancing, Some Smut Sorry Mom, Sort Of Just Them Figuring Life Out, Trust Issues, Wedding, domestic abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-07-28 09:24:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 34,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7634893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelloIWriteFanfic/pseuds/Pretendthisisfiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Josh met Ryan - even if he didn't know it -  in the rain on the first day of 2010, the day after his best friend had proposed to the girl of his dreams." </p><p>He didn't know it then, but the boy with coffee-colored eyes and what must be the worst luck in the world would change his life. Because even if he couldn't change what had happened to Ryan, he could show Ryan the world that he deserved.  </p><p>It's a year in Chicago set to pink streetlights, sparkling eyes, and the sounds of learning to live again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Winter

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so major props to @mcrfanfiction on Twitter for being the best in the world and A: getting me into this ship and B: beta-ing the hell outta the thing.

Josh met Ryan - even if he didn't know it - in the rain on the first day of 2010, the day after his best friend had proposed to the girl of his dreams.

Chicago was miserable that winter. When the city's yellow streetlight haze had been too weak to lift the snow fog from the cement and there was nothing to do but shiver. Josh tramped down the slick, dirty steps of his college study hall, clutching a camera bag against his side at nearly six A.M. His wet breath heated his scarf and steamed up into the thin air from his chapped lips in soft puffs. It was absolutely wretched, and sort of beautiful.

He couldn’t see on this particular morning. His limbs ached with sleep and his fingertips felt frostbitten in the cold. They itched as he descended into the damp chill of the street, all echoing footsteps and the faint smell of car exhaust, one small note in a dissonant tone poem of humanity already up and rushing to jobs in the inner city. Josh shook his head and flakes of snow brushed off from the shoulders of his jacket at the small movement as he began the short walk back to his newly empty apartment.

One week prior,he had walked this same street with Tyler on their way to Future Gems: a small jewelry shop on the east side. Tyler shakily relaid to him different ways that he wanted to propose to Jenna. He had started with the most elaborate plans which involved fireworks, dancers and big-ass billboards downtown and then dwindled into small picnics or songs written for her. Josh had been excited, obviously. The very idea of his friend being so happy with somebody sent a flood of warmth to his freezing fingertips; but, when he had been leaning against the counter of stranger's home last night counting down the last second of the old year as small confetti blasters were set off and his friend had suddenly dropped to his knee in front of Jenna immediately pulled Tyler up to crush her lips against his...Well, he would be lying if he said after the initial feeling of overwhelming joy, that his heart had dropped.

And so on the morning of that New Year’s day, he found himself in a barren studio apartment on Beacon and Hereford with a fifth of Tennessee rye and the pang of loneliness permeating the recesses of his soul. When the bottle was empty, he made for the door and vowed, upon returning, that he'd call Tyler and give his best friend the congratulations that he really deserved. Tyler probably hadn't even noticed Josh's behavior the night before though honestly. The guy was too lost in unbelievably blue eyes and a musical laugh.

He walked for hours, looped around the campus before snaking back past East Hall and up to Trinity Church. Then roamed through the Common, scaled the hill with its short, frosted-over hedges, and meandered into the charming labyrinth divided by Churchill Street. By the time he reached the center of the city, a purple sky had opened and the drizzle became a shower. That shower soon gave way to a deluge. While the other pedestrians darted for awnings and lobbies, he trudged into the rain. He supposed, or rather hoped, that it might wash away the patina of guilt that had coagulated around his heart. It didn’t, of course, so he started back to the apartment.

And then he saw Ryan.

Ryan had taken shelter under the balcony of some bar. He was wearing a loose light grey sweater, some black jeans that dropped too low around his ankles, making his pale complexion stand out like a siren against the bleak stone of the building, which appeared to Josh both regal - and ridiculous. His brown hair was matted to the right side of his face from the Chicago wind, and a galaxy of freckles dusted over his button nose. Josh had never seen anything so beautiful.

When he joined Ryan under the balcony, he looked at him with big hazel eyes, and Josh could tell that the smaller man had been crying. He asked if he was okay. Ryan had mumbled that he had been better with a small shrug of his too-thin shoulders. He'd asked if Ryan would like to have a cup of coffee. Before he could give the smile that usually scored him dates though, Ryan had shook his head and whispered in a lazy accent that he had to study before walking back out into the rain at an almost frantic pace.

"There's a guy in my class." Tyler said from across the plastic-topped table around a mouthful of Captain Crunch whilst scrolling through his phone and slurping at the milk the same way that had been driving Josh crazy for years.

"Yeah? Here I was thinkin' me and you were the only two guys in Chicago." Josh said with a playful eyeroll as he looked up from his phone to raise an eyebrow at his friend from across the table. 

Tyler pouted from behind his phone. "Fuck you, I'm trying to tell a story."

Josh laughed and shook his head before scooping up their discarded dishes and setting them into the sink to "soak" until he got so desperate to avoid studying that he would do the dishes at some point at three A.M. "So, tell me the story."

Tyler sets his phone and strums his fingers over the surface, probably waiting for a reply to a text as he watches Josh lean back against the counter again. Tyler's expression flickers with a hint of sadness though, which can't bode well for this story.

"It's this kid, I think his name's Ryan?" Tyler trails off for a minute and his teeth graze over his thin bottom lip before continuing. "Me and him have a class together, he's in the literature program but he sits in the music seminars sometimes, and the other day this guy stormed in...I haven't seen him before but it's a big campus so he could go here, i'm not sure. I just know that he looked like, crazy mad and he called for Ryan as soon as he walked in and he sounded pissed. Ryan sits in front of me too, so I could see when he literally shook as soon as he heard the guy’s voice. It's scary, Josh. Ryan's a little dude, probably too little to be healthy. And whoever that was could've really messed him up."

Tyler pressed his lips together in a thin line and tugged the sleeves of his shirt down over his hands in a nervous tick that he'd had for years. He was probably really upset about whatever was happening with this kid too. Tyler had gone through some crazy shit growing up that Josh tried not to think about. They had years back in Ohio spent in patterns of panic, bullying, and depression. So when Tyler sees people that might be going through the same thing, he tends to get upset. Josh sometimes wishes that Tyler didn't have that protective streak, he knows that it'd save his friend from a lot of hurt, but it's also part of what makes Tyler special. He's a gentle heart in the city's cold interior.

"So did Ryan leave with this dude?" Josh asked whilst sitting back down next to Tyler, laying his tanned hand over his friend's arm reassuringly. Tyler still got attacks sometimes if he thought about things too much. His empathy will probably kill him one day, but Josh will be there to reassure him any day.

"Yeah...Left some of his notes too, which sucks. He just looked real small, Josh. And I haven't ever seen him with anyone else. What if he doesn't have anybody lookin' out for him?" Tyler's eyes flick down to his lap and he leaned against Josh's shoulder with a small sigh and Josh lifts his arms into a shrug.

 

"I don't know, Ty. How about you try to talk to him after your class next week? Probably best not to mention the other guy, maybe just try and figure out if it's as bad as you're thinking."

Tyler nodded, seemingly satisfied with the plan before sliding away from Josh and standing up from the table. Shoving his phone into his pocket, he pulled on his coat before turning back to Josh and giving him a tight, tight hug. "I've gotta go meet Jenna at the dinner hall. But I'll see you this weekend okay? And have you talked to any of our friend's about moving in with you yet?"

Josh shakes his head and gives his friend a halfhearted smile before standing up himself and walking Tyler to the door. "Nah, I'll be fine here alone. We only have a year left after this so no need to find a new roommate. Besides, nobody knows me like you, honeybear."

Tyler grins back at him and sticks out his tongue before heading back out the door and into the cold. Josh doesn't move away for a minute though. Partly from habit back when he'd watch Tyler to make sure he was really headed home back in Columbus and not into the woods, and partly because he really wishes Tyler would turn back around and decide to sleepover and keep him company instead.

But Tyler doesn't, and Josh tries to understand how everybody is moving on without him.

A week had passed since then. Apparently Ryan hadn't been at the next seminar which had resulted in Tyler nearly panicking until Josh had made up a list of reasons as to why Ryan had missed it that didn't include some psychotic boyfriend. He had felt a pang of guilt then though, considering that the kid could really be in trouble, and here he was telling Tyler to try and not be bothered by it.

But now he's headed towards the campus bookstore because he's missed a fuckload of classes at the beginning of the year when a fever had hit what seemed like every photography student in the school and he'd had little motivation to get out of bed, much less go to class to listen to his professor rant about the 1980's lenses for hours. So he now needed something to help him catch up on the studying he'd miss before finals. He was fairly confident he wouldn't flunk, but you could never be too sure, and he's fairly certain his parents would kill him if he had to do a revision year.

He had been to the shop a couple of times, not enough to be called a regular by any means, but there had been a fair few emergency books needed to help him through a paper. God bless this place for being open late, they're probably well aware of how much the hours help students like Josh actually survive.

The bell chimed above the door as he walked in and a wave of warm air hit him against the gust of cold from outside and he breathed a sigh of relief as his fingertips and nose tingled at the sensation.

The place is way too cute and happy looking for Chicago. It's got soft cream walls with one painted a deep forest green that's reflected in the tiny plants speckled over the tops of some of the shelves and the light is kept soft which adds to the atmosphere. Despite the reasoning really being that one of the fluorescent light bars had gone out a week or so ago. A cheerful little book center is hardly the best environment to breed the dull lines of textbooks or whatever fiction bestsellers this place bothers to stock. However, they’ve decided to serve up something sweet and Josh isn't gonna be mad at it.

So he shoves his hands into the pockets of the worn out blue hoodie hugging his shoulders as his eyes scan over the welcome area. An assortment of smaller shelves with displays sprinkled around. The place isn’t giant, but it’s winding, and it looks fairly empty, which makes sense considering how late it is.

Noticing his entrance, one of the employee's looked up and gave him a small nod of acknowledgment. Josh’s eyes widened a bit in recognition as he looked closer at the kid behind the counter. It was the same guy from outside the bar! The pretty one with the quiet voice and oh god, Josh thought, he's cuter than this whole shop. Josh felt himself smile in a way that was probably gonna creep the guy out as he didn’t seem to recognize Josh in return at all.

He was wearing a burgundy cardigan and wide rimmed glasses, honey-brown curly hair poking everywhere despite obvious efforts to be kept swept behind his ears. His thin eyebrows though were raised in slight confusion at Josh. Was he blushing? Oh my god. Josh was literally blushing over some cute kid he'd only seen like, once. He's so fucking uncool. But the guy was just so cute and small, it'd be a sin to do anything else.

The guy closes the book that he'd apparently been reading between customers and Josh smiles a little to himself when he sees it's a John Lennon biography. Cute and has good music taste? Josh can't believe how much needing to study would be a gift.

"Can I help you?" His voice was still quiet and he seemed pretty reserved, which did little to put out Josh as he walked forward and shrugged.

"Just needed some books for class. What do you think of that one, by the way?” Josh asks with a small nod towards the book in the other boy's long, pale hands.

His eyebrows drew together in a way that showed he was probably confused as to why Josh was asking but he just shrugged and held it towards him. His eyes flickered down to the counter as Josh flipped the book over in his hands.

"John Lennon, a total badass, am I right?"

He looked up at Josh again and this time the raised eyebrow looked more judgmental than confused and Josh couldn’t help but laugh a little, the kid appeared personally offended at the man who is probably his hero being called that."I don't think that's how John is usually described, you might read the book and find a more eloquent opinion."

Josh could practically hear the eye-roll in the guy's voice, and if anybody else had said that it'd sound bitchy, but from the boy in front of him's mouth, it was just a weird sort of endearing. "Yeah, John Lennon, Billie Joe, Zack de la Rocha, Sid Vicious, they're all badasses."

Josh grinned and handed him back the book as he watched the boy's already huge eyes widen even more and the kid actually shake his head, clutching the book back to his chest protectively.

"And so I assume you think that you're a badass too?"

The question caught Josh off guard a little but he just draws his eyebrows together, leaning back against one of the shelves, ready for an explanation."What?"

The guy shrugged, setting the biography down before he nodded towards the psychology section.

"I read that the characteristics that you focus on in your idols are the ones you see within yourself. Also, you have the look of somebody who probably thinks that they're really cool."

Josh felt himself blushing again and he couldn’t tell if the guy actually meant to be this bitchy or if this was just his sense of humor, but either way he's laughing and shrugging a little in reply. "Yeah, that's me, your friendly neighborhood badass photography major."

The kid looked up at him questioningly again. "Photography? I didn't peg you for the type."

Josh grinned back at the other guy and opened his arms from across his chest as if to invite analyzation."Yeah? Well here I am, defying all your expectations."

The guy just rolled his eyes again and turned back to his book before looking up at Josh exasperatedly when he realized that he hadn’t moved on yet. "Do you actually need help with anything?"

Josh shoved his hands into his pockets again and glanced around the shop. He took note of the art section which'll probably have his books before turning back the the kid. "Nah, but I would love to have your name, sweetheart."

The guy sighed and rolled his chair back a little. Apparently not taking note of the pet name as he folded back a bit of his cardigan to reveal the thin plastic nametag pinned to the thick material. His pale finger pointed towards the plate before rolling forward against to resume his reading:

Ryan.

Josh can't believe it for a second. It could be a coincidence, but the description Tyler had given him of the mysterious boy and the kid in front of him were too similar for it to be anything but real. Already Josh could feel worry roll off of his shoulders just knowing the kid wasn’t dead in a basement somewhere though. He couldn’t wait to tell Tyler that he not only knows that the kid is alive, but also knows where he works. "Ryan...Ya' know, my friend Tyler has a class with you and he's got some of your notes that you accidentally left behind a while back. Wanna swing by and get them whenever you get off?"

Ryan looked up sharply and looked almost scared as he met Josh's eyes again with that hazel stare that makes Josh's skin warm. He was probably scared that Josh knew why he left the notes behind, but Josh wasn’t an asshole, and he wouldn’t bring it up within ten minutes of knowing the guy. But then his delicate lips turn into a frown, that Josh wanted to change immediately, and shook his head. "No, somebody's waiting for me after work. And I'm not going to those seminars anymore so Tyler can just throw that stuff out."

Josh frowned a little himself and tilted his head to the side as he watched Ryan in front of him."Why are you quitting? This semester's almost over, seems a little pointless."

Ryan's shoulders went stiff, and Josh could see his knuckles go white as he pressed his fingers against the counter. He instantly regretted saying anything as Ryan's expression flickered with barely-concealed hurt. "I'm not even a music major,” he snapped, “and there's no point taking classes in something I'm not good at so I'm not going anymore. Now if you excuse me, I have work to do."

Ryan's previously soft voice hardened along with his posture. But when he got up to go back to the stockroom Josh could really see just how thin he was and his stomach sunk. He didn't mean to upset him, and the idea of Ryan giving up on something that at one point made him happy caused him more distress than it probably should. But, he couldn’t help but feel a protective streak similar to what he used to feel for Tyler - before his friend's confidence had grown after the move. He wanted to make sure Ryan was happy, safe, and, learning all the music he wanted.

But instead, he was standing in an empty shop and turning to leave before even purchasing anything. He knew he would be back though.

Josh doesn't give up easily, and something told him that Ryan would be worth it.  
Josh hadn't intended for his visits to the bookshop to become a habit, but after a fair amount of encouragement from Tyler and a fleeting glimpse of Ryan on campus, he knew that he wouldn't be able to go long without making another attempt at seeing the other boy again. Even after almost a month of visits twice a week with terribly hidden excuses as to why he needed so many books, Ryan still seemed oblivious to any attempts Josh had made at flirting not for lack of trying, of course.

It had started with subtle things, like Josh asking about some of the books Ryan would read, as he sat quietly behind the counter. Or, giving him a pack of cherry gum Josh had picked up on the way to the shop. But, Ryan had shrugged off the questions with shy replies and almost distrustful stares. Not to mention, flat out refusing the gum. 

The pet names had come next, Josh hadn't gone for anything too flirty, but enough to try and send up some kind of signal that he was falling head over heels for this wisp of quiet loveliness that was Ryan.

He liked trying out different ones though. His favorites were "sweetheart" and "brown eyes.” Although, upon calling him those, Ryan had rolled his eyes, calling Josh "pink hair" in return. A long sigh and an explanation that calling people by their prominent physical traits was stupid and borderline degrading followed shortly after. However, Josh had thought that for a second, a faint trace of a pink blush had crossed Ryan's creamy cheeks.

Today was different though, instead of his usual position tucked behind the shop counter, Josh was greeted with the sight of Ryan standing on his tiptoes on a footstool reaching up to the top shelf. A stack of textbooks were loaded in one hand, and his pink bottom lip was tugged back by his teeth in concentration. He didn't seem to notice Josh's entrance either, as he continued to sway his head a little, humming along to the song playing over the shops speakers.

"Hey, brown eyes."

Ryan let out a small squeak that was frankly, adorable, but, Josh only had a second to appreciate it as Ryan was suddenly tumbling off the stool and into Josh's arms in a swirl of fluffy brown hair. His too-thin arms subconsciously wrapped themselves around Josh before a crimson blush flushed his pale skin and he jumped away. He stuttered apologies out before looking up, noticing the huge grin spread across Josh's own face. 

"You scared me!"

Josh shook his head with a deep laugh that had Ryan melting on the inside before stooping down, on his knee, to gather up the books Ryan had dropped in his descent. He quickly slid them into the proper place before turning back to the boy. 

"You're adorable, and really fucking easy to scare."

Ryan glared at him instead of replying whilst he tugged his deep blue sweater back down over his arms. He ran a hand through his rumpled hair, before returning back behind the counter, still blushing cutely behind his glasses.

Josh strutted over, taking his usual position on top of a stool beside the counter that had "mysteriously" appeared after his first two or three visits. He raised his eyebrow as Ryan pulled out a notebook instead of a novel from the messenger bag he kept tucked under the counter. “What are you writing?” Josh asked.

“None of your business,” Ryan said shortly, pulling the notebook closer whilst Josh watched curiously. He smiled to himself a little as Ryan brushed his hair back behind his ears, he smiled, that was, until he noticed a bruise along the side of Ryan's face. It was hidden under where his hair would normally cover, but quite visible now, and Josh felt his stomach drop at the idea of anyone hurting the boy in front of him.

"Ryan, who did that to you?" Josh asked seriously. His lips formed a thin line as he gestured towards the boy's face. 

Ryan's hazel eyes snapped up from his notebook and Josh had time to notice the tremor in the other boy's hand before the shop's bell chimed behind them to signal someone's entrance into the store. Josh was positive Ryan would be thrilled for the distraction, that was until he turned around and saw Ryan's already pale face drop a shade paler, as he scrambled away from the counter, to greet the man as he sauntered in.

The guy was attractive, but not in the way Ryan was. Where Ryan had soft lines and delicate, pale features, that begged to be touched and kissed over with sunlight, this man had sharp edges and deep colors. His chocolate eyes carried a coldness that didn't seem to belong in the shop that had, at some point, became Josh's safe haven. A place to hide from Tyler's wedding plans, and maybe to kid himself into believing that he deserved even a second of Ryan's time.

But now, Ryan was being wrapped up in the other man's toned arms, sly smile crossing over the newcomer's face before he quickly detached himself from the hug. He turned over to Josh. His thick eyebrows raised slightly, in a way that only enhanced the look of disdain seeming to be permanently set on his wide features.

"Ryan, who's your friend?"

Ryan didn't seem to understand what the new guy had said for a second, instead Josh watched as Ryan kept his eyes focused on the floor, as if he was too scared to lift them. Every inch of the sarcastic, sweet boy from earlier gone and replaced with rigid fragility. That was until the man repeated what he said with a harder tone, and Ryan snapped to attention before looking back between the two other men. "Oh...Um, Brendon, this is Josh, he just comes around here sometimes for books."

The new guy or, Brendon now, it would seem, gave Josh yet another once over as his arm snaked it's way around Ryan's too-thin hips and pressed the boy close to his side possessively. Josh felt his stomach drop like a dead weight. Jealousy mixed with guilt, all mixed with worry, swirling around enough to make him lightheaded. 

He should have known a boy like Ryan couldn't be single, and if he had known, he would've hoped it would be with somebody better than Brendon. Josh had only known the guy for seconds and he already felt like something was wrong when he looked at him. The point only was proved further with the way Ryan would no longer meet his eyes as he curled away from Brendon as much as possible.

"Baby, why aren't you wearing your ring?" Brendon's voice cut through the silence. Josh could hear the threat dripping from it which distracted him for a second until the words caught up with him.

Ring?

Josh had been around plenty of rings lately. Rings meant marriage, which either meant Ryan was married, or engaged. Which, also meant that he was with Brendon of all people, and Josh felt as if he might be sick. His feelings weren't priority though, because as he looked up to see Ryan, pity swelled through his heart as he was met with the sight of Ryan looking up at Brendon almost tearfully. The knitted fabric of his top was balled into his fist to hide what Josh had no doubt was a tremor in his hands, whilst his pearly teeth dragged along his plump bottom lip. All of it in a way Josh had noticed that he did when he was worried. 

"It was me. He was helping me fix a part to an old camera and took his ring off to work." Josh interrupted before Ryan could say anything that would no doubt lead to Brendon not believing. Even so, Josh's excuse wasn't exactly well-constructed and he knew Brendon was smart. Smart enough to have somehow gotten a ring on Ryan, at least.

Brendon didn't seem convinced, but after watching Ryan extract a thin, silver engagement ring from the pocket of his loose jeans and slip onto his spidery hand, he nodded and muttered a short conversation with him. Josh tried not to listen, and Brendon left quickly after. An almost blissful silence flooding into the room like a blanket after the tangible, electric tension of a moment ago. Ryan looked terrible, or at least, as terrible as he could when he was Ryan, and thus stunning. His thin rail of a body was swaying slightly and he seemed to be trying to melt into the green tile floor of the shop.

"Ryan..." Josh trailed off. Unsure as to if he should even continue speaking to Ryan after learning about Brendon. He was attracted to the guy, and there was no way that he could change that, so every moral code he had carried previously in his life told him to get the hell away before he did something he would regret.

Instead of course, he asked Ryan to go see a movie with him. 

"Can I take you out after this?" Josh's voice came out like a freight train and Ryan looked understandably confused until what had been said washed over him. He raised his eyebrows owlishly in surprise.

"W-What?" 

Josh could've said that he didn't mean it like that, could've made up some bullshit excuse or could've just made a run for it. But when he looked at Ryan, even with all his fragility and obvious sadness, and the way he seemed to try and hide himself from the world, Josh felt like he was looking at the sun. He didn't know why, but every part of him just wanted to see that adorably off-center smile that he had been greeted with a few times once more. He wanted, more than anything, to be the cause of it.

Goddammit he wanted to make Ryan happy. When beautiful things exist, it's your duty to make sure that they make it out alive. 

"I meant like, can I pick you up after work for a movie or something? Or not a movie if you don't want. Just whatever, I've never seen you off campus, you should see the city more."

"Josh, it's February and it's miserable and Brendon will probably want me to just go back to our apartment and-"

"Ryan, I know something isn't right with Brendon. Please, don't make me leave here knowing you're gonna go back to him after already being scared at work."

For a second he thought that Ryan might get mad at his connotations. But instead Ryan nodded limply and looked down at the floor, trying to hide the soft shake of his shoulders, until, Josh finally decided to move forward and wrap his arms around Ryan. 

He had never thought of physical contact as that important. Touch was a trivial thing that brought easy comfort to those who need it. But when he held Ryan's slim body against his own larger one for the first time, he felt a thousand words he wanted to say but couldn't figure out stream through him. Ryan was crying now. Not loudly, of course. Ryan was practiced in being silent. But, tiny, crystal tears hit the shoulder of Josh's shirt and his heart broke for the mess of chocolate curls beneath him.

He wanted to do something drastic. Going to wherever Ryan lived and punching Brendon in the mouth was a pretty high contender, but,that wasn't his place. All he could do was hug Ryan when he needed it and try to figure out how to get the boy out of this situation that was obviously so terribly wrong. 

Ryan pulled away shyly as his small hand swiped away at his face and he looked up at Josh. His eyes a melting pool of sweet softness and his voice came through his chapped lips quiet enough to match.

"You're the first person who's ever bothered to notice."

Hours later, after he had left the shop with multiple promises to come back, he was in his apartment getting ready to pick up Ryan. He didn't know what sort of movies the guy liked or what he should wear. Or, if he should even be thinking about this that hard seeing as he definitely should not think of this as a date, no matter how disgusting Ryan's fiance was. 

He had texted a couple of friends for ideas. The benefit of Chicago was that there was always something cool going on, but, he figured Ryan would just want something simple and funny. Enough to keep the mood light despite the situation. He had briefly glanced at a showing of Moulin Rouge at an art theater downtown, but from what Josh had seen of the film the one time Tyler had gone through an art phase and was watching it, it was too ridiculous and sappy and weird. He didn't want to scare Ryan away by choosing some epic love story for their first time together away from the shop. 

In the end, he slipped on a black hoodie over a long-sleeved NASA shirt, with black jeans and a half-assed attempt to tame down his steadily drying hair. He didn't want to be late over some attempt at style which would A: probably freak Ryan out, and B: prove unsuccessful anyway. 

So after one final glance in the mirror, and a short walk back up the apartment stairs to retrieve the keys to his only slightly beaten up Honda CR-V, he finally ended up on his way to Ryan's apartment to pick him up.

Josh hadn't ever been to the part of the campus that Ryan had scribbled onto a slip of paper when Josh had asked for his address. Ryan had even seemed hesitant to tell Josh at first which he had then credited as Ryan being worried about Brendon, but with the dismal surroundings getting even worse as he turned down a new street, Josh assumed that the reasoning may lean closer to Ryan's own desperate need to not be pitied.

The dull yellow-green light of the occasional streetlamps cast shadows around the mounds of snow that had been pushed to the side of the roads, tinged black with car exhaust. The buildings themselves were dilapidated at best and flat-out abandoned at worst. They were peeling paint in various shades of cream or powder blue that blended mono-chromatically against the fading Chicago evening sky. 

Ryan did not belong in a place like this at all. Josh was a college student and he knew better than anyone how expensive rent was but Ryan was a creature of delicate words and bright colors. He should be surrounded by warmth, and vanilla, and music, like some 1970's daydream. 

But instead, he was pulling up to a tall brick structure tucked against a twenty-four hour drug store. Climbing up the shaky metal stairs to Ryan's address. Not even getting the chance to knock before the door cracks open just a sliver and Ryan slipped out. He was wrapped up in a knitted blue scarf that wrapped over an olive green sweater which, just barely concealed what Josh knew to be an unhealthily thin body. Ryan didn't give him time to even think of mentioning it though before he had a pale hand gingerly wrapped around Josh's lower arms. He pulled him urgently back down the stairs. "I'm sorry." He mumbled quietly, sounding almost regretful as Josh shuffled them towards the car and away from the biting cold before Ryan continued. "I just...I just didn't want Brendon to see. It's not like, a secret. But he'd probably be, um..." Ryan trailed off with a small shake of his head and Josh smiled softly in encouragement. He didn't need Ryan to feel like he needed to explain himself to Josh. God knows he probably got enough of that from Brendon at home. 

"So where are we going?" Ryan ask softly with a hint of a smile and a tilt of his head that ruffled his curls in a way that made Josh's heart absolutely melt, and he shrugged in reply. "There was this little Moulin Rouge art thing downtown but that's probably lame so I figured we'd just go to some comedy thing at the Ciniplex?" Josh raised his eyebrow to gauge Ryan's reaction but didn't miss the way that Ryan's caramel eyes widened at the mention of Moulin Rouge before schooling themselves back into a practiced, neutral expression after Josh corrected himself. 

Josh had seen the flicker of excitement though, and he wouldn't have cared even if the movie had been Fantastic Four, if it made Ryan even a little bit happy, he would've dealt with that hot mess of a film. So he turned to Ryan with a big grin as he turned the ignition, and started back into the city which was already beginning to glow with the night's newfound energy. "Moulin Rouge it is, then." He said and to his delight, Ryan let out a small, heart melting laugh as he looked excitedly back at Josh. "Really?" He asked, almost like he half expected Josh to change his mind. But of course Josh nodded, and shortly after they were pulling onto a curb only a little ways away from the small theater. Fluffy white flakes of snow settled atop Ryan's curls as the walked. They chatted casually in a conversation that was mostly Josh continuously prompting a hesitant Ryan into speaking until the boy couldn't help but speak his opinion on whatever topic. 

Talking with Ryan was easy. Similar in ways to how it felt like when he was with Tyler, but gentler somehow. Josh knew everything that there was to know about Tyler, but with Ryan there was still the sharp, exciting pang of discovery creeping up his skin in pinpricks every time a new detail was revealed about the other boy. Sometimes in the form of hidden smiles and quiet remarks, tucked away with doubt.

Josh shuffled them into the lobby with a gentle hand against the small of Ryan's back before feeling the boy go almost painfully rigid beneath him, quickly pulling away with a soft apology. It would make sense for Ryan to be uncomfortable with physical contact for multiple reasons, starting with the abuse that Josh still was unsure on the lengths of, and ranging back to the dreaded fiance. 

They finally slipped into the theater with an armful of assorted candy that Ryan had heavily denied, and choose seats towards the back. Shrouded in the shadows with a load of diabetes, and a cute boy, in a way that ached of high school flashbacks but with a new feeling of tenderness.

If you asked Josh anything about the movie after they left, he wouldn't be able to tell you anything. He had been too distracted with the way the film's brights colors reflected from Ryan's saucer-wide eyes and the way his thin, soft lips curved upwards into the tiniest of smiles even as pearly tears slipped down his cheeks midway through the movie. The scene hadn't even been sad, but when Ryan had caught Josh looking he had just ducked behind his scarf and mumbled something about it "Just being sweet." 

Ryan was sensitive, and it was goddamn adorable. 

The movie was over now though, and they were drudging through the snow back to the car. Josh's hoodie now slipped over Ryan's thin shoulder's after Josh had noticed him shaking slightly in the wind. Ryan had glared at him and shook his head of course, but Josh had simply raised an eyebrow before Ryan huffed and zipped the jacket up over his sweater. 

"Josh, I don't thank I can find the right words to tell you thank you for tonight." Ryan started as they neared the car. His voice just raised enough to be heard above the dull hum of cars pacing. "I sometimes forget that life can be like this." He said sullenly.

"Like what?" Josh tilted his head a little as he asked to watch Ryan's expression. Hazel eyes met his own.

"Happy." Ryan replied. 

Ryan kisses like he speaks. 

Soft, curious, and delicate, with just the hidden taste of passion. As if he was only inches from truly falling into it. What "it" is, is a matter of opinion. A more heated kiss? Love? Time would tell. 

Josh just knew that Ryan had his small fist balled into his shirt as if he were holding on for dear life and Josh could feel the soft brush of chocolate curls against his forehead before Ryan pulled away with a small gasp. Almost like he was surprised by his own actions. Like they were done by somebody so much more confident than him.

Ryan looked like he was about to speak, with his breath already stuttering in either shock or cold. Josh didn't care. He just knew that he needed to hug Ryan. When he did, he knew that it was the right decision. Ryan melted against his solid chest like water. Thin arms wrapped around his waist whilst he buried his face against Josh's neck as tears fell slowly down to his shoulder.

Dry heaving sobs of desperation and confusion and heartbreak. Josh couldn’t even comprehend what Ryan might be feeling. The fear would probably overwhelm everything. But he couldn't feel anything other than the desperate need to hide Ryan away from the hurt. The world was too awful to people who didn't deserve such a shitty hand.

Eventually it became too cold for them to stay in the street and Josh shifted them into the car. He drove Ryan back to his apartment as some CD Tyler had left in his car played faintly over the speakers; Ryan stayed curled up pressed against the passenger door silently. 

They kissed again before he went back upstairs.

Josh wished that things could be easier. But even with the promise that Ryan wasn't easy, he was worth it. 

Beyond worth it.


	2. Spring

The very element of possibility, and yet just budding. 

It was April now. Tyler's wedding was set for September so him and Jenna could be married under a canopy of fiery red Ohio trees, among a host of their closest friends and family. Josh was best man, of course. Tyler had asked him last week with a lopsided smile and a little song played on his uke to pose the question. Josh had teared up, and Tyler had cooed sweetly before wrapping his newly-toned arms around his friend. 

Ryan.

Josh had never been too good with words. He was a man of action and gentle touches. Quiet assurances to display the way he felt. When he tried to explain how he felt to Tyler he could only shrug and gesture vaguely to his chest with a mumbled "He just makes me feel warm...Like I have a purpose again." 

To which Tyler had responded with a small nod before curling up into Josh's side and squeezing him reassuringly. "That's love, Josh. You just got a real tough hand when it comes to actually being able to love him the way you want. But you have to be careful, man. Because even though I think he loves you too, that kids got the whole world beating up on him and it's gonna take some time before he's ever okay."

Josh had nodded quietly, and snuggled deeper under the blanket that Tyler had thrown over them before popping in a movie. He was staying with Josh whilst Jenna went back to Columbus to visit family. Even though it had only been two days, Tyler had already started pouting. Twirling the thin silver band of his engagement ring around his finger as he chewed on his lip sadly.

For once, Josh understood to some lengths what Tyler was feeling. 

After that first kiss, him and Ryan had started to find more excuses to see each other away from the bookshop. Running downtown for Chinese lunches or hitting up a movie whenever Ryan could sneak away. It was terrifying, because every part of Josh's predetermined morals was saying that he shouldn't be doing this. That Ryan was delicate, and hurt, and that he'd probably run away with anyone just to get away from Brendon, whether he really liked them or not. But every time he looked into those comically wide caramel eyes, Chicago turned gold, and music sounded like a heartbeat. 

The bruises decorating Ryan's skin were impossible to ignore. Usually, they were small and easily concealed under a layer of makeup that Ryan kept in his bag. But there were days when Josh would arrive at the shop and would know that something worse had happened. Ryan would try to hide it at first, remarking that he was "too busy today”, or hide behind his steadily-lengthening hair. But eventually his shoulders would sag and he'd look up. Eyes wet with unshed tears as he reveled ever-changing injuries. Split lips, black eyes, cut cheeks. Josh always felt like he was going to throw up whenever he saw them. 

Today seemed to be like that. 

Josh walked into the shop with the soft chime of the old-fashioned bell going off above him. It was warm inside, which was a sharp contrast to the street Josh had just came from. It was March, but it may as well still be December with the temperature. The only change being that the holiday lights had been taken down and the soft, powdery snow had been replaced with a thick, spring sludge. 

Ryan wasn't at the counter. Instead, Josh found him tucked away in the psychology section. His thin, wiry glasses perched on the edge of his button nose sweetly whilst his long fingers trailed over the glossy pages of a book. There was a drastic difference in the picture in front of Josh though, and that was that the soft brown curls that had curved just under Ryan's chin, framing his face sweetly or pushed back to he could work, were gone. Cut off into a short, neat pile of curls atop his head. He was still beautiful, obviously. But Josh still felt a hint of disappointment that he wouldn't get to push Ryan's hair back behind the boy's ears anymore. He had liked the way Ryan would blush and giggle softly when he had done it. 

"So should I get ready for you to join a boyband with this new look?" Josh said jokingly as he leaned casually against the bookshelf, arms folded over his chest as always, Ryan didn't like it when he couldn't see people's hands at all times. Another nervous tick Josh had noticed that had broken his heart. 

He had expected one of Ryan's clever retorts. The kid was sarcastic as hell, and over their time knowing each other, had become more comfortable joking around with Josh. But instead, Ryan's head jerked up sharply, hazel eyes growing wide as he snapped his book shut before shaking his head, and brushing past Josh to sit back at his counter. 

"Ryan?" Josh felt his heart sinking as Ryan kept himself turned away from Josh. Not enough so that he wouldn't be able to catch himself if Josh jumped him, but enough that it was becoming more obvious that something was seriously wrong - and that Ryan was avoiding him. 

"Please leave." Ryan's voice cracked gingerly, and Josh's heart sank as he watched the boy in front of him. Ryan's posture was rigid; all the sharp lines of when they had first met returning full-force, along with layers of clothing which would be considered pretty unnecessary to anybody else, considering the temperature of the shop. Josh knew they were probably hiding a new set of bruises over pale skin and thin wrists. Ryan was losing even more weight lately. Refusing to eat unless Josh had payed for it, probably some guilt complex Brendon had set in, another excuse to hurt Ryan being if he wasted anything. 

But even with those meals, Ryan still looked like he'd blow over with a strong gust of wind. Even more so now, as he stared down at the counter like if he looked long enough, he could melt into it

"Ryan, what's going on?" Josh said gently, hands still out forward as he stepped into Ryan's full view and tried to meet his eyes. Heart pounding heavily in his chest whilst Ryan tugged on his lip and made a small, pained noise in the back of his throat.

"Please, please, go Josh...I can't- He's gonna see you and then..." Ryan's voice trailed off brokenly and his eyes finally met Josh's from across the counter and Josh was given enough time to notice the the round, hazel stare was red from either crying or lack of sleep. Possibly both - knowing the lot that Ryan dealt with. 

"Ryan, nobody is here, I promise. What has he done? Please, tell me what's going on!" Josh felt himself getting more and more worried as he heard Ryan's breath speed up and the boy's panicked tremor shook through his almost pitifully delicate frame.

"He knows that we're not...That thing's between us aren't just friendly, Josh. He knows and now everything is getting worse and he said if he sees me w-with you that he's gonna...He's gonna hurt me Josh. And I can't deal with that anymore! If it get's any worse I'm gonna fall apart and I can never stop shaking and I'm always looking over my shoulder and I don't trust anyone. You don't know what it's like to be too afraid to go to the fucking grocery store!" Ryan's voice pitched higher, more panicked and hurt with each word whilst he stood up and began to push Josh towards the shop's door. "Please...I can't deal with this getting any worse. Just go, Josh." 

Josh pressed his hand against the door and placed the other one as gently as possibly on Ryan's upper arm, not missing the small flinch that flashed across the his features even at the softest contact. "Ryan, you have to let me help you! He's going to get worse anyway! He's not gonna stop when you get married, he'd never gonna stop! This is going to keep going and going until he kills you! You can hide with me, or with family, or there are people we can call-" Josh cuts himself off as Ryan begins to shake his head. Pearly tears slipping down his pale cheeks and the faint traces of blood pool at his lip from biting too hard. 

"You don't understand. A-And I know it's unrealistic to expect you too, because you're strong and confident and you've never had to be fucking afraid to go home! But he's...He said he'll hurt you, Josh. And he'll hurt Tyler and Z and anybody who I care about. He means it too! His family knows people, and I promise you, he's not just messing around." Ryan's voice lowers as if he's afraid that the empty room would hear them, and just for a second, cold, pale hands press against Josh's own warm ones in a fleeting display of affection.

"Please, just go" 

Josh was pushed back into the chilled wind and the glass door slammed shut behind him. Just giving him enough time to turn around and see Ryan's slim form disappear back behind the shelves. 

His heartbeat pounded in his ears and he felt his fingertips twitch in equal parts panic and heartbreak. He couldn’t pretend to understand the full extent of what was going on with Ryan. It was hard to comprehend how somebody could stay with a man like Brendon for as long as Ryan had, much less get engaged to him. But Ryan was right back in the shop - Josh had never been that afraid. He'd never been so fucking scared of somebody that he was willing to beg everybody to leave him just because of a man looming over his head. 

Josh wanted to kill Brendon Urie. 

He doesn't deserve to even breath, much less to wake up in the morning and have Ryan tucked in beside him. It makes Josh's stomach turn that somebody out there is so sick that they can look  
into caramel eyes that hold intelligence, and wonder,and every kind of sunlight in the world, and then turn around, and hurt him, until Ryan was left terrified of the world around him. 

When he got home, Tyler instantly knew something was wrong. His wide, doe eyes filled with tears as Josh explained what Ryan had said back in the shop either out of fear, or pity. Tyler was always empathetic, wrapped up in his emotions that he felt by a tenfold. Josh was numb. His head pounded with a million answers to the problem but none of them were right. He felt incapable and useless and his heart wouldn't stop beating too fast for his chest. 

They fell asleep curled onto Josh's couch together. Tyler's arms wrapped around Josh in the way that he had done to the other boy so many times before himself growing up. The next morning, the March sunshine felt blue and Josh barely recognized any part of the day. Running on autopilot, as he tried to get caramel, scared eyes to stop searing across his vision. 

Two weeks passed, and nothing changed except that Tyler had returned to his and Jenna's apartment with promises to text Josh in case he saw Ryan in class. And every time Josh passed the shop, he just had time to make out a thin figure darting towards the back to hide. 

When he finally saw Ryan again, his initial reaction was shock. 

It was April now. Just at the beginning of spring break, which you could tell by the usual city noise being amplified by students free for two blissful weeks. The snow had begun to melt, crisp sun breaking across the glass windows to warm a city drenched in grey. Josh had been to a few parties at the start of break. All of his friend's making desperate attempts to wake him up, but Josh was weighed down with guilt and worry and a million other emotions that he couldn't name. Jenna had said that he suffered from a hero complex, that it was too soon for Josh to say that he was in love with Ryan, but that he had had enough time to feel as if it was his responsibility to save him. 

She was probably right in some ways, but he also knew that the way that his blood pounded and a smile scratched his features when he thought of Ryan mumbling his favorite quotes to Moulin Rouge was not just responsibility. 

It was late. Josh had just placed the last dish into his newly-repaired washer and was beginning to get undressed when his phone rang. He didn't recognize the number, but it was a Chicago local so he answered anyway. 

"Josh?" Ryan's unmistakable voice cracked over the phone and Josh felt his heart fall into his stomach. Ryan had never called or texted, saying that Brendon would see the history on his phone, so every part of this was unprecedented. But all Josh can think is a chorus of ohmygodryanholyshit. He grins too, until he catches a soft sob coming from the other end of the line. 

"J-Josh, I really need you to pick me up." Ryan's voice broke weakly with a soft sniffle, triggering Josh into movement. He quickly slipped his burgundy tee shirt back on as he kept his cell pressed against his ear. "Ryan, what's going on? Where are you?" Josh's voice raised as Ryan's breathing quickened and Josh left his own apartment, bolting towards the elevator whilst digging his keys out of the pocket of his baggy jeans. 

"I'm...I'm not sure, a couple of blocks from Brendon's apartment, I think."

Josh nodded even though Ryan couldn't see him as he slid into his car. His hands shook slightly as he pressed his keys into the ignition and sped towards Ryan's apartment complex. Deep brown eyes scanning over the darkened sidewalks all casted in green light. The streets were speckled with the thumping music of the city at night, but everything felt like it was singing through a veil. Muffled through Josh's ears as his heart pounded, and Ryan's soft breathing echoed through the phone. Neither of them hung up, Josh was too afraid that he wouldn't be able to find Ryan if he did. And Ryan, he was too afraid to be alone. 

Ryan was at the edge of the sidewalk in front of a twenty-four hour drugstore. His converse-clad feet just tipped slightly over the cement edge, as if he was close to falling into the street. His figure was even thinner from when Josh last saw him, a fact that became more apparent as Josh pulled the car onto the curb and hopped out. Ryan's shoulders cut a small line through the black surroundings. A stroke of pale light with shadows cast beneath his delicate cheekbones accompanied by thin fingers pressed over a bleeding gash against the chapped line of his, once-pink lips, that were now cast grey.

Red on gray, purple on hazel, tears on undeserving cheeks. 

"Ryan?" Josh asked, his voice cutting quiet so as not to scare the other boy who quickly stepped back from the road. His eyes flicked up to Josh, swallowed by bruises. His posture didn't relax with familiarity, instead he urgently stepped forward and back towards Josh's car. He pulled at the door frantically until Josh clicked the key to unlock it and slipped back inside himself. Catching one more clear look at Ryan as the car light blinked on, revealed only more bruises, this time over the pale expanse of his neck that wasn't covered by unkempt curls. The light soon cut out again though, and the two of them were once again left in the dark.

"Ryan, what's going on?" Josh's eyes lifted towards the other boy questioningly. He made no move to move the car until Ryan grabbed the keys from his hand and shoved them into the ignition himself, hands shaking to much to do it easily but flinching away as soon as Josh lifted his arm to help him.

Josh kept looking between the boy next to him and the road. Ryan's eyes were pressed closed, but his lids were red and the veins stood out like purple and blue streams. Josh wanted to give him chapstick, water... Lip gloss even. Anything to make his lips look less chapped. His heart was aching in his chest. All that time that Josh had just let Ryan keep him away, Brendon had been hurting him at home. Making it worse and worse until the boy beside him was barely a flickering reflection of who Josh had known at the shop. 

That's when Ryan's caramel eyes blinked open. Catching Josh's eyes focused on him and his lips pressed downwards. "Stop staring at me." he said, voice cracked with disuse and the choked up remains of his panic earlier on the phone 

Josh bit his lip silently, turning the car away from the area as the slanted shadows of the street fell across them. Pulling into a busy main road in the fastest way back towards Josh's apartment, flinching a little himself as a car beeped next to them a disturbed the loaded silence. 

Ryan jumped in his seat and released a quiet whimper from the back of his throat.

"Sorry... Sorry about that." Josh mumbled, going to touch Ryan's knee, but the man flinched and swatted Josh's hand away sharply.

"Don't touch me. Don't fucking touch... I swear to god if you try to touch me again I'll rip your fucking throat out." Ryan's voice came out in a sharp splinter, stiff and jittery, but nonetheless getting his point across.

He was pressed completely against the passenger window; his knees hitting the door and Josh nodded slowly, he wasn't sure if Ryan could even begin to talk about whatever was happening right now. He seemed too scared, but if Brendon was holding up on any of the threats that Ryan had alluded to months ago, then Josh needed to know. 

"I just want you to know..." Josh started quietly, wiping a tear from his face that he didn't even feel was coming until it rolled down his tanned cheek.

Ryan sniffled quietly, his voice still sharp as he whispered "What." His face still kept towards the window to hide his wet, teary face from the other man. 

Josh could see his reflection in the mirror though, as much as it broke his heart even further. Ryan's bottom lip was trembling and tears were pouring down his cheeks. He could hear it in Ryan's delicate voice... He didn't have to see his face to know he was terrified of whatever had happened to him tonight. Whatever it was, it had pushed Ryan over the edge.

"I'm not going to ever let that happen to you again, Ryan. Brendon is never going to fucking hurt you like this again, okay?" Josh said, eyes flickering between them as they continued down the road.

Ryan blinked hard and wiped his freckled nose up with the palm of his hand. "No." He said, sitting up straight as a rod now. "Don't make me believe that... Please, don't try to make me fucking happy. I can't take it anymore."

Josh's heart felt like it was setting in his stomach, but he swallowed down his own choked tears and unbuckled before turning towards Ryan's thin silhouette fully himself. 

"Believe me." He said harshly, his hands held open in front of him they way he knew that Ryan appreciated. 

Ryan shook his head frantically, brown curls falling into his eyes whilst his lips pressed closed. 

"Believe me." Josh repeated, stronger this time, in an attempt for at least one of them to not sound like they were falling apart. said again, harsher. He pushed open his car door.

Ryan's already large eyes widened as he watched Josh's movements and a thin gasp escaped his lips when the traffic light above them turned green.

The cars behind them started to honk sharply whilst Josh slipped out of the car, flicking on the emergency blinkers. "Go around, motherfuckers!" He shouted, as he stepped around to the passenger side of the car.

Josh pulled the car door open gingerly, and stepped in front of Ryan. Holding his hands out as he did so Ryan could see, hovering them slightly above Ryan's own pale ones which were digging against the denim fabric of his word-out jeans stretched against his alarmingly thin thighs. 

Ryan turned his pale cheek away to face the other direction now, once quiet breaths speeding up a little as Josh watched him brokenly.

"Don't make me..." Ryan whispered, his voice cracking as a new wave of tears began to gather. "Don't make me happy."

Ryan was trembling now, breaking out in convulsions and child-like sobs. He needed to get it out for once, God knows how long it'd been since he had last been allowed to cry with Brendon watching him constantly. 

Josh leaned forward, tentatively raising his hands to Ryan's shoulders, watching the boy's expression for any fear before he pulled Ryan against him in a hug. He could feel every bone in Ryan's thin body, the tremor in his shaking shoulders, and the hurt traced over his pale skin. 

Josh wanted to envelope Ryan, wanted to cover him and hide him from a world that seemed so desperate to diminish any traces of Ryan's light. He wanted Ryan to feel what he had to offer, and he wanted it to be all of him.

Ryan snapped then. He shot up hard like he had been electrocuted and shoved Josh back against the open car door. "Fuck you!" He screamed in his broken, thin voice as his bony fist pounded against Josh's chest in a desperate rhythm in time with each curse. "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!"

Josh lowered his eyes and took it all in. His hands set firmly against the car’s cheap vinyl as his feet dug into the Chicago asphalt and allowed Ryan's fist to attack him. He didn't figure Ryan could do much damage, the boy looked like he'd blow over with a strong gust of wind, but he wanted Ryan to get it out. This panic and fear and hurt that lined his eyes was too much for him to keep in, so if he wanted to punch Josh, then he'd let him. 

"I fucking hate you! I fucking hate all of you!"

Josh couldn't touch him, and he couldn't say anything that would reverse years of abuse. So instead he gently closed Ryan's door and slid back into the car. Raising his middle finger to the crowd of cars yelling behind them before pulling away. Driving a safe distance before looking back at Ryan's slumped-over form pressed back against the door again.

Josh thought he heard Ryan say something that sounded like 'I'm sorry', as they neared the apartment, but Josh tried not to think about it. The idea of Ryan feeling the need to apologize for any of this hurt too much. Ryan had nothing to be sorry about.

He parked outside in his usual spot, and after a couple of quiet words of encouragement, Josh managed to get Ryan out of the car and up the stairs. Taking note at how even in his almost comatose state, Ryan had been aware enough to forcibly drag Josh away from the elevator. Once they were upstairs and shuffling into the room though, Ryan seemed to begin to grasp the situation a little better. 

"I"m sorry, I shouldn't have done any of that, you don't even know what...What happened-" His quiet voice caught at the end with a small sniff and Josh turned back to look at Ryan as the smaller boy looked away himself. Hazel eyes scanning over the front door's lock whilst his pale fingers tested the security himself. 

"Ryan, it's fine, I promise. But...You need to tell me what happened. What did he do?" Josh asked as he moved the two of them away from the door. Silently thanking whatever higher power there was that he had cleaned today so at least Ryan didn't have to stay somewhere filthy. 

Ryan shook his head, brown curls falling over his ears and Josh nodded seriously. "Not tonight then, that's okay...But sometime." Ryan seemed to still disagree with that, but after the incident in the car, Josh doubted that he had any energy in his small body to argue. The purple bags under his eyes indicated that he had been tired already to begin with and despite the sharp lines of his posture, he seemed to be falling into himself tiredly.

"You can stay in my room, if you want. I can grab some extra blankets for you and all of the windows are locked. I'll be right in here, if you need me through the night, too." Josh said as he began to gather an extra quilt from the cleaning cupboard in the hall. Taking it to his small bedroom before turning back to see Ryan shaking his head by the doorway. "I don't wanna take your room, you have classes, you need rest." Ryan said quietly. His fingers playing with the frayed end of his sweater absentmindedly and Josh was reminded to grab Ryan a spare T shirt and sweatpants from the chest of drawers in the corner. They'd undoubtedly be too big on Ryan, but they'd work for tonight. 

"You have classes too, so don't give me any of that." 

"Did you drop out, or did Brendon make you?" Josh asked, even Brendon's name tasted like poison on his tongue, and he knew he had been right to assume what had happened when Ryan shrugged in reply. Brendon had probably figured it'd be easier to hurt Ryan more if the guy didn't have any classmates to watch out for him.

"Ryan-" Josh started, but he was quickly cut off by Ryan shaking his head again as his caramel eyes squeezed shut. "Can we please just not talk about it right now, please?" His voice seemed desperate, and when he opened his eyes, their gazes met and Josh nodded silently. Handing Ryan the spare clothes before turning back towards the door. Stopping, only when a cold, thin hand latched onto his wrist. 

"...Josh?" Ryan asked quietly, gaze fixed to the ground as he pressed the clothes against his chest protectively and Josh stopped to face him again. "Yeah?” He asked, a hint of surprise in his features as Ryan's hand didn't melt away from his own.

"Could you...Could you stay?"

For a second, Josh feels like he should say no. Tyler's voice echoing in his head from all those conversations that they'd had about abuse victims and relationships and how even if Ryan wanted something, it probably wouldn't be good to just jump into it. 

But things are different in practice than in concept, and Josh knew that if he said no the the boy in front of him, it'd probably be grounds for being called the worst person ever. So, he simply nodded and slipped into the bathroom to change into his own pajamas, as Ryan changed in the bedroom. Flicking off the bedside lamp and clearing away the stacks of photography books from the bed before he lifted the covers and allowed Ryan to slip in next to him.

At first, the silence was too much and the awkwardness of the situation seemed almost palpable, until Ryan turned towards Josh, eyes flecked with sleep and his expression softer than before. Their bodies were barely touching, each inch of physical contact measured by Ryan's scale of what was and wasn't okay at that moment, but the anger of only an hour earlier was gone. Replaced by the echo of hopelessness.

Josh couldn't decide which was worse on Ryan. He hoped one day that that look could be replaced with something akin to joy, and maybe, just maybe, Josh could be part of that. 

"I missed you." Ryan whispered, before pulling the blanket back up over himself in a cocoon of warmth. One thin leg draped over Josh's own and Josh can feel the way that the pair of sweatpants he had given to Ryan fell over his foot whilst the boy head snuggled tiredly against Josh's own firm shoulder. It felt right, and it might've even been peaceful if not for the looming weight of the outside world hanging over them.

"I really missed you too, brown eyes." Josh replied quietly. 

Ryan couldn't hear him though, he was already asleep. 

A swirl of dust was fluttering around in the beam of pale spring sunlight that flooded from the window just above Josh's Ikea dresser. The sheets that had been purchased from the same place were warm to the touch of his fingertips, the pad's of the skin still tough in the way they always are in the mornings, just before the day breaks his skin back into it's usual pattern of touch and feel. 

There was a weight on Josh's chest that wasn’t normal, but it wasn’t unpleasant either. Waking up to the faint smell of vanilla shampoo with caramel curls of hair prickling against his stubble chin felt sort of right. Ryan's thin body filled in the empty spaces of Josh's muscled chest. Sharp hips pressed against the flash of skin showing from where Josh's NASA shirt had ridden up some time in the night. Ryan's tiny arms were wrapped around his chest too, clinging to him like a raft, although, Josh doubted that Ryan knew he was even doing it.

Josh knew that things wouldn't stay like this. Ryan's meltdown in the car the night before wasn't a one-time thing. He didn't know much about domestic abuse, but he knew that Ryan was hurt more deeply than Josh could even imagine. It was the worst betrayal of trust to be hurt by the one you love. The layers of forgiveness, and hurt, and lying, and deceit...And Ryan probably thought that it was in some twisted way, his fault. 

He was going to have to call Tyler, he knew that much. Tyler was minoring in psychology and had been going to therapy himself for years. He was always better with emotions than Josh too. Josh always felt like it was his responsibility to fix people, but the natural intuition to see what was hurting someone and to know how to talk about it? That was for more of a bleeding heart than himself. 

A dull buzz cut into the quiet like glass, the noise repeating two or three times before fading back. but Josh knew who it must be. The ringtone wasn’t Josh's and so it must be coming from Ryan's phone. A cheap Samsung that was undoubtedly outdated. But, if Josh was really the only person who had recognized what was going on with Brendon and Ryan at home, then he doubted that Ryan had that many people to text with anyway.

Josh knew that this was a total breach of privacy, but he also never told anybody that he was a saint, so of course he reached over and picked up the small, battered device from the table. Shoving away junk papers and an old paper coffee mug as he did.

The messages were enough to make anybody who had ever been in a healthy relationship nauseous, but who knew if Ryan had ever experienced that. It was an endless scroll of threats and promises to get better and pictures too. Bury photographs of Ryan on his knees, traces of purple bruising visible on his bare shoulder and arms, but that's not exactly noticeable with everything else happening in the photos. From what Josh could tell, Brendon was threatening to put the photos out if Ryan didn't come back to that god-awful apartment. He promised things too, promised affection, promised pain, promised forgiveness.

Josh felt like he was going to be sick. Even more so when he looked away from the screen to see a pair of childishly wide hazel eyes blinking back at him with anger. 

Ryan's first step was to snatch the phone away. His next was to scramble off of Josh's chest, his thin figure shaking in soft, scared tremors whilst his pale fingertips tugged the sleeves of Josh's shirt back down over his hands. He wouldn’t even look at Josh, which hurt, but he didn’t blame him.

"Ryan, I'm sorry, I-" He started, but Ryan’s sharp, breaking-glass voice cut him off almost immediately. 

"You're gonna start watching everything I do too, huh?" Ryan said with a bitter laugh. It came out sort of breathless though, like a gasp for air. "Here I was thinking I could go anywhere without people looking at more than they deserve." Josh was already shaking his head, he's not like that, this whole situation wasn’t even comparable to how Brendon treated Ryan, but Ryan couldn’t see that. The guy was at his breaking point, teetering on the very edge of salvageable and it'd be almost impossible to see anyone as anything other than an enemy.

The vulnerability of the night before was gone. Instead Ryan looked like winter again. His shoulders were cut sharp, the fabric of the shirt falling loose around worryingly thin bone. Josh knew Ryan was thin, but he'd never thought about it too much. He'd never really thought about boys not eating. It wasn't something that was talked about, even if it happened. But Josh also knew that Ryan looked like glass on a good day, and that wasn't normal.

"I'm not trying to supervise you, Ryan. I was just trying to figure out what's going on. Because this-" He said as he gestured to the phone, and then to Ryan himself. "Is not normal. Even before, it was never this bad." 

"He tried to kill me, Josh." Ryan whispered. His dark eyes fixed to the floor like the cheap beige carpeting is the most exciting thing in the world, whilst his long fingers wound together in a ball. His voice was too stoic to have just said that. He sounded too resigned, too accustomed to the fact that the man he wore a silver engagement ring for had tried to murder him. 

"I had these...I had these pills, sleeping pills hidden under the sink. He found them and just...He wouldn't stop yelling, Josh. He was so loud and I couldn't breath so I tried to leave. He told me that if I wanted to use the pills, if I wanted to die. That he'd do it for me. He told me I deserved it, for being so selfish." 

Ryan's voice stayed flat, but the way he was shaking betrayed any illusion of calm. Ryan looked like he was breaking, and there was nothing Josh could really do. No way to reverse years of abuse, and even now, how could you comfort somebody who had faced that? No "it's okay" would ever fix anything. 

"I tried to run out, because usually he only needs a couple of hours alone to blow off steam if it's too bad, but he followed me out, and there was nowhere I could go to run, Josh. I tried to talk him down but I slid on the ice and he caught me and he, um-" Ryan's voice finally caught, as his hands flopped uselessly at his sides like he couldn't decide what to do with himself. "He caught my arm and pushed me back down the stairs to the apartment complex. I blacked out, and when I woke up, he was gone and it was dark so I...I just ran for a while until I realized that it's Chicago and you can't just run out anywhere at night..." 

"So you called me." Josh finished, and Ryan nodded, his pearly teeth grazing over his chapped bottom lip as he shrugged a little. "I should probably go back. He'll be better now, he's been getting much better lately, I promise. And if I don't go back, it'll be worse." 

Ryan moved to grab the neatly folded pile of his clothes placed on the chair the night before, crazy enough to think that anybody in their right mind would let him go back to that apartment with a possibly murderous abusive boyfriend waiting for him.

"Ryan, you can't go back, you know that." Josh sighed, stepping forward just barely, but it was enough for Ryan to step backwards towards the door in defense. Dark eyes focused on Josh's feet so he could see if he moved any closer. "That's not your choice." Ryan replied, steady and delicate. His words clipped as if he didn't want to argue, but he wasn't going to give in. "It's not, you're right. You can leave anytime you want, but he will kill you Ryan, now or later it doesn't matter. Brendon is never gonna get better and if you go back, you'll end up dying with him." 

Ryan shook his head and finally, finally looked up to meet Josh's eyes with his own, before replying. "It doesn't matter how long I hide out here, he's gonna find me anyway. He knows you're the only other person really in my life, even Spencer left, so it won't be hard for him to narrow it down." 

Josh made a mental note to ask about who Spencer was when was a little safer, but for now he just set his jaw and held his hands out habitually to show that he wasn’t going to hurt the smaller man before reaching out to brush his hand over Ryan's arm. "I promised you last night that I wouldn't let anything bad happen to you again, and I meant it. Just stay for a while, I'll get Tyler to come over and he can help us figure some stuff out, and if you have keys, I could try getting your stuff out of your apartment while Brendon's gone. Or you could just use mine, that's fine too." 

Ryan looked hesitant at first, but the prospect of even a short time of life without Brendon was too tantalizing and good. It'd been so long since he'd gone to sleep without wondering if he'd wake up to Brendon screaming at him or came back from work to find his guitar smashed against a wall. He didn't trust Josh yet completely, not that he trusted anybody. Josh seemed too perfect. Too loyal and strong, too much of a hero when Ryan knew deeply that heroes didn't exist. But right now, he was desperate. And Josh was just so warm. 

They didn’t speak too much after that. Short conversations based mostly on questions from Josh's end and reluctant replies on Ryan's. Ryan had secretly hoped that Josh would hold him against him like he had that morning, even though he knew that he was probably just starved for any physical affection at this point. But Josh seemed reluctant to do more than just barely graze his hand over his arm, like he thought Ryan might break if he did anything more.

Eventually they decided against changing out of their comfortable sleep clothes and Josh made two bowls of cereal with a handful of embarrassed apologizes over not having anything better in the pantry to eat. Ryan didn't mind though, it was sweet and sugary, unlike anything Brendon had let him eat in a long time. Even if he knew he'd just throw it up later, it was still nice to taste something different. They ate in the living room too, which would never be allowed back at his apartment. Him and Brendon hadn't curled up on the couch with food and a movie since they had gotten engaged almost two years ago.

They watched X-Files, and then some cooking show Ryan didn't recognize, and then Josh brought out his collection of Michael Cera movies, which lasted them till after lunch. It was a ridiculous amount of time to spend doing nothing, and Ryan felt like he was going to explode from tension if Josh didn't say something. He wasn't used to silence. When Brendon was home, Ryan always had to be cleaning, or cooking, or Brendon would fuck him - there was never any time for awkward silences. 

"Ryan." Josh started, breaking the quiet as the credits of the movie rolled across the screen and their faces reflected in the matte surface. Two bodies set apart under two separate blankets, one a rigid line of tension, and the other curved in gentle edges of warmth.

Ryan doesn't reply, exactly. But he does tilt his glance to Josh's direction. Gaze focused onto the other man's lap instead of his eyes. He used to be able to look at Josh properly, but not now. Not now that he was truly ruined, and too pathetic to even stop himself from feeling...something, for the man sitting beside him. 

"Ryan, you need to talk about it." Josh said, voice steady and determined, his tan hand reaching over to Ryan's thin, pale one before he flinched away. Josh’s fell back with an apologetic look. "I know you probably don't want to, but we have to figure out what we're gonna do about this. I mean, I say the best start is pressing charges but-"

Ryan's head snapped up, coffee-colored hair swept away from his face and fawn-eyes wide as he shook his head urgently. "No, i'm not going to press charges! He would...God, he'd actually kill me." Ryan's voice shook at the idea and his eyes closed for a nanosecond, as if to ward off the possibility. 

"The point of pressing charges would be to prevent that from happening. Do you seriously think that if you just leave him alone he'll go away? I saw the text, Ryan. He's obsessed and abusive and-" Josh trails off for a second, his hand slid over his face tiredly before he looks at the other boy again. "He'll never let you go."

Ryan's face fell, sharp shoulders slumped forward sadly as his pearly teeth dug into his bottom lip. "Please, can we talk about this another time?" He looked up at Josh then, big coffee eyes wide, as if he's scared that'll Josh'll say no, or do worse. But Josh simply reaches with a short nod. They both know that Josh isn't going to let this go anytime soon, but for now Ryan is content to let Josh's arms wrap around his waist carefully. It feels different than when they first met, back then in the cold months of the winter their touches had been fleeting, but achingly intimate. Desperation for any contact that didn't hurt clouded Ryan's ability to do what may have been right for his psychology. Now, Josh was too careful. His fingers brushed over Ryan's protruding ribs through the thin fabric of his tee shirt with the fragility of someone touching glass. It didn't suit Josh. The other man was painfully caring, but he was not delicate. Tender, but louder than this thin air. 

"Can you please kiss me?" Ryan said. His breath catching in his throat as he did, not even feeling like he meant to say it, but the words had slipped past his chapped lips and fallen between them. Josh's trailing fingers stopped at the dip between his hip and the bottom of his ribcage, warm fingerpads against his icy skin that burned like focus points. They quickly became the only thing Ryan can focus on as his blood started to pound in his ears and he knew, he knew that he shouldn't have said that. Asking for anything with Brendon was bad, why would it be any different when he way with somebody else?

"Ryan-" Josh started, his arm already slipping away as his voice casted down, in the tone of denial and disappointment. If Ryan hadn't taught himself not to, he would’ve cried. He had hoped that it'd be easy for at least things with Josh to stay the same. That even though he could see Brendon's furious glare piercing into his skin every time he closed his eyes, that he'd be able to just slip into Josh's hold, and be fine for a second. 

He stumbled up, spindly legs hazing with numbness at having been curled up on the couch for so long whilst he wrapped his arms around himself, nodding towards the other man. Unable to meet Josh's eyes as he squeezed his fingernails into the palm of his hands. "I'm sorry, I should've know that it was different now. I mean, I"m not-"

"Not what?" Josh cut in. Standing up on his own with worried mahogany eyes and a jaw set in a solid line, as if seeing Ryan upset made him more angry than anything. Ryan's own eyes fix themselves to the carpet, wishing for perhaps the millionth time in his life that he could sink into the ground, microfibers and wood don't have to deal with this. 

"You're not ruined, Ryan. You're not dirty or- or broken and you don't deserve any of this! The world just acts shitty to people who don't deserve it. And I want to kiss you, believe me, I do. But it's not fair to you, because you have no idea what a relationship that isn't toxic is like, and it's not fair to push you into one before you even know what you want!" Josh's voice raised before he noticed Ryan's eyes squeeze shut in an almost miniscule flinch, so he instantly lowered it again.

"I want you, Ryan. But I don't want you to throw yourself into this just because you don't know how to do anything else."

In Josh's shower that night, Ryan tried to remember a time before Brendon. Back when his parents had been the only thing that damaged him before Brendon came along and warped him beyond recognition. It had been so perfect at first, with warm kisses under Vegas sun, Brendon acting as his salvation from the darkness of his father. Now, Ryan's mind was blurry. The idea of functioning in the world looming over him like a gun. For years, he had only known his and Brendon's apartment and the shop. The classes and every stupid party Brendon had drug him to seemingly blurred throughout his mind.

He wished with everything in himself that he could just stay there, under the scalding water in this safe place. But he knew that one day he'll have to face Brendon, and then, the outside world. He believed in Josh though, and if Ryan learning how to function again is what it takes, he was willing to try. He could learn to live again, if it meant he got to be held by Josh again.

He turned of the shower with the realization that he may have some sort of dependency issues.

A week goes by, with Ryan getting quieter and quieter and Josh getting more and more worried. He had had to start leaving Ryan alone at the apartment after Ryan insisted that Josh couldn't miss classes due to himself, despite his nails digging into his palms at the prospect of being alone. The apartment was too quiet when Josh was gone, and every shadow seemed to shift when he was alone. He couldn't walk down the hallway without his heart speeding up in his chest, with the delusion of Brendon behind him as he walked, so he had mostly taken to hiding in Josh's bedroom. He curled up in the floor surrounded by books until Josh got home, wordlessly warmed up some frozen Thai, and started a movie.

Ryan wanted to try and get out, he really did, and he knew that Josh was doing everything he could to keep him from feeling pressured, but every time he so much as neared a door, or window, his blood ran cold, and he stumbled back to the bathroom floor. His breath was heavy and harsh until Josh found him, and wrapped his arms around the smaller boy.

It was a surprise when Josh came home that day and instead of beginning their newly-developed system, he leaned against the counter, smiling at Ryan, as he stood in front of the hallway with his long arms wrapped around his middle. Josh's old high school sweatshirt sleeves falling over his arms to swamp him a little.

"I had lunch for Tyler today, and he's invited us to his place for a movie night if you wanna come." Josh says it casually, but his eyes lift to meet Ryan's with a hint of apprehension, as if he knew in some way how scared Ryan might be even from just the thought. "I thought it might be fun, and you know Tyler, so it wouldn't be as bad as hanging out with a stranger."

Ryan starts to shake his head, the familiar icy-cold feeling creeping up from his fingertips, but he can't say no to Josh. He's already a burden enough just sitting around his home aimlessly, and if he said no he knew Josh wouldn't just go himself, and leave Ryan alone all night. If Ryan kept him from his best friend, he'd eventually realize that he didn't want the other boy.

So instead, he gave Josh a tiny, almost unseeable nod and swallowed the lump in his throat back. 

Tyler's apartment was further out from the city. Josh said that he moved there with his fiancé because Chicago's unending noise made him nervous, and for a second Ryan felt a little happier just knowing that he wasn't the only one. But once they arrive at the home, the flicker of hope was diminished as the dislike for loud noise seemed to be where the similarities ended between himself and Tyler. Even within seconds of walking through the door, Josh had his strong arms wrapped around Tyler and they were shouting, and laughing, and spitting out stories, and jokes like they hadn't seen each other in ten years, instead of just earlier that day. 

He tried, he tried so goddamn hard to feel comfortable, and it wasn’t like Josh was ignoring him. He kept giving Tyler these worried, comforting glances, and he kept a tan hand on the leg of Ryan's jeans as he talked to Tyler. But it didn’t make it any less scary. Ryan felt like every movement of his was being watched and he couldn’t speak, which he knows must be weirder than if he said anything? and it just ended up being stupid. 

He can't, he can't, hejustreallycant.

"Is this Ryan?" Said a new voice from the entryway. When Ryan turned, he was met with a shock of blonde hair and stunning blue eyes on what must be the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. She was carrying plastic grocery bags, and Tyler jumped up from his position on the couch to help her carry them in, as Josh nods and turned to smile at Ryan. "Yeah, this is him. And Ryan, this is Tyler's fiancé, Jenna." Josh nodded towards the girl and threw a skittle from the bag on the table towards her. She flipped him off playfully before smiling, and coming over towards them. She sat down at the table, smiling at Ryan in a way that almost made him avert his eyes because it was so fucking bright.

"Well damn, Josh said you were cute, but you've exceeded my expectations." She said with a wink as Josh rolled his eyes, a pink blush building at his cheeks that could only be outdone by Ryan's own. Josh had said he was cute? Josh had even talked about him? The idea of Josh even being faintly fond of him was almost too good to be true.

A crash sounded from the kitchen and Jenna's eyebrows rose before she looked towards Josh, who was already standing up from the couch. He quickly gave Ryan's thin shoulder a small squeeze before he disappeared to help with whatever Tyler had just done. 

Jenna leaned back, her slim hands pressed over her jeans as she watched Ryan. Not in the same way that Josh did, not worried, or curious, but more playful. "So I assume they've been doing their whole "best friend" thing and have been leaving you out?" She nodded back towards the kitchen as she spoke with a knowing voice. Ryan shrugged a little. 

"Believe me, I understand. How ‘bout you come help me cook instead of sitting here listening to them ramble? Tyler is the love of my life, but God, do I know how annoying it can be." She stood up as she spoke, her hand outstretched. It took Ryan a second to realize that she meant for him to take it, but she didn't seem put off by it, just waited until he did, before gently pulling him up and towards the kitchen.

Josh and Tyler were at the bar talking again until Jenna shooed them away with a wave of her hand. She rolled her eyes at Josh's worried look between her and Ryan. Ryan was shocked when she stops with her hands on her hips and telling Josh, "He isn't made of glass, he's fine with me." He wasn't used to other people, and other people who aren't afraid of breaking him are almost alien. 

She got him chopping up lettuce for a salad whilst she making her own valiant attempt at keeping the noodles for pasta from sticking at the bottom of the pot. Ryan couldn’t remember the last time he had a well-cooked meal. After Brendon had decided that he didn't want Ryan to go shopping by himself they had mostly just had whatever Brendon picked up himself on the way home from class, which usually wasn't much. It had never really bothered him though, because after Ryan had stopped eating as often, Brendon had started calling him pretty again.. After such a long time of nothing but disgusted comments on the condition of his hair or his awkward limbs, it had been kind of nice.

"I'm sorry about Josh." Jenna said quietly. 

Breaking him out of his train of thought, his head snapped up to look at her in confusion "Why? He hasn't done anything." He replied, whilst Jenna leans back against the granite counter with a small shrug.

"That's why. He hasn't done anything, and you probably feel really unwanted over there. But he does want you, he's just scared. It's hard for him to understand how to treat you." 

Ryan isn't sure about how much Jenna knows about him, but she seems to know enough, and her statement isn't exactly untrue. Josh turning him down had hurt, but what hurt more was the terror of being so alone with no promise of anybody out there to help him. If Brendon was gone and Josh didn't want him, he had literally no one to turn to, and he always did so badly on his own. The thought of suicide had always lingered at the back of his mind, but when he had considered it when he was with Brendon, he had always been too afraid of the repercussions if it didn't work and his fiance found him. Now though, there was only a thread of hope keeping him alive, and with every hurt look from Josh, it was getting thinner.

"I just wish he had never found out about Bren- about him." Ryan cut himself off, the act of saying Brendon's name aloud a little too much at the moment. "He used to treat me like it was all normal before he knew. Now it's just like he's waiting for me to break." 

Jenna nodded, biting her glossy lip before stirring the ladle into the pasta, and turning back to him. "He was the same way back when Tyler was really bad. Josh wouldn't even touch him because he was too afraid to set him off. Josh just has this hero complex, and the idea of hurting somebody he cares about is too much, even if he just ends up hurting them another way instead." 

Ryan dropped his eyes back to the cutting board, his shoulders slumped as he faintly heard Josh laughing at something Tyler said from the living room. He had a really warm laugh, it was loud and filled up space like a blanket. If he could, Ryan wouldn't mind hiding under it forever. "So what am I supposed to do?" He asked as he looked towards Jenna. She shrugs in reply before reaching over to squeeze his hand. She could be almost maternal, if it weren't for the spark of erratic energy hidden behind her eyes. 

"It's all up to you to decide what you want. Me and Tyler could yell at him all we want to get him to understand what you need, but he won't listen to anybody but you. The best thing you can do is to not hide anything. You two will trust each other easier that way and that's the first step, babe." 

Ryan nods again before she leans over and gives him a small hug, her head resting on his shoulder and her feather-soft blonde hair brushing against his jaw before she pulled away to finish the meal. 

After that Jenna mostly just rambles about her day, occasionally asking Ryan's opinion on something which shocks him at first, but he eventually gets used to it. The whole situation is all so unfamiliar, but once they're all sat on the couch or on a pile of blankets on the floor in Tyler and Jenna's case, Ryan doesn't feel the usual pounding in his chest that he's come to associate with new situations. The night feels like a movie, warm and soft and fragile. Just a taste of possibility, but enough to addict him. He had taught himself to never think about the idea of happiness back when he was with Brendon, but now the reality is before him and it's too good to deny, even if every fiber of his consciousness is telling himself not to get his hopes up.

Brendon used to do things to make him hope. Take Ryan out to a movie or a play or something with his protective arm wrapped around Ryan's waist with his sparkling, deep brown eyes crinkled in a pleased grin as he'd look at Ryan. Something would always go wrong though, Ryan would try too hard to hold Brendon's hand or he'd order the wrong drink and suddenly Brendon would be dragging him back to the apartment with a deathgrip on Ryan's upper arm with screams of how he'd messed everything up again.

This didn't feel like that though. And as his eyes flicked tiredly between the couple on the floor and the B-list romcom on the television he finally feels the muscles in his body relax with the release of a breath he didn't know he was holding. At some point he ends up pressed against Josh's chest, laying down more than anything and Jenna has thrown a heavy, warm blanket over the two of them. But he's far too gone in a blissful sleep to notice. 

He's the last one to wake up, but nobody seems to mind which is another thing he'll have to adjust to. If he slept in around Brendon it'd always end with new bruises to add to his collection. But when he wakes up here, there's a song playing over the Bluetooth speakers that Tyler later informed him was called Dope Machines by The Airborne Toxic Event. He had missed music, and he can feel a spark of electricity in his chest as the sound washes over him on the couch. Jenna laughs as she looks in from the kitchen and sees him sitting up, his curly hair stuck up in every direction and Josh's sweater slipped half-off of his pale shoulder. "You look rough, Ryro. You want some coffee?" She ask with a grin as she hold out a steaming mug over the counter. "I took the liberty of adding a ton of cream and sugar. You just struck me as the type." 

"Ryan has a sweet-tooth the size of Montana, believe me, I brought the guy a slice of cake to his work a while back and it was gone within seconds." Josh cuts in with a grin as Ryan pads to the kitchen bar and pulls himself onto the stool next to him. His warm hand moving from his own cotton-candy blue hair to Ryan's knee as Ryan pouts playfully and takes a sip of the sticky-sweet concoction in the mug that even he is hesitant to call coffee.

"That's cute." Tyler says as he sways lazily around the kitchen tiles to the music, wrapping his arms around Jenna's waist before spinning her around to the music despite the sarcastic eyeroll he receives from the woman in return. The were like a couple from a movie, and Ryan could see himself being jealous if Jenna wasn't so nice. Instead, he just feels happy for them. Good people deserve each other, and it gives him some hope that maybe the world isn't set out to screw everybody. 

"So Josh and Tyler got called this morning from Ty's brother and he needs some help with his car, so you can go with them if you want, or you can stay here with me and help me pick out bridesmaids dresses." Jenna says as she leans over the counter and pushes a lock of stray hair out of Josh's eyes distractedly. Ryan feels a little awkward, but she turns and gives him a reassuring smile and it seems so genuine that he ends up giving her a small nod. "I'll stay here, if that's okay." He says, and Josh smiles a little, which is good as Ryan had already started worrying that Josh would start to think that Ryan was avoiding him. 

"Good, I need all the help I can get from people who aren't biased. All my bridesmaids are hell-bent on helping me but only if I pick a color that they think they look good in." She says exasperatedly and Ryan notices that Tyler gives Josh a small shrug before laughing. "My mom's bridesmaids just wore whatever they wanted to get it over with." He said, and once he looked up and saw the raised eyebrows and shocked expressions of both Ryan and Jenna, broke into another grin. "But I know that'll never fly here. Jenna is a very "go big or go home" kinda person." 

"Damn right." Jenna nodded as she handed Tyler the car keys and Josh hopped off his stool, giving Ryan a small hug that made his heart flutter in his chest before they headed towards the door. "Don't burn the house down, okay?" Josh joked and Jenna laughed again before raising her middle finger towards the two men. "Ty, tell your brother "fuck you" from me." Josh laughs at that, even though Tyler looks exasperated, but nobody seems mad. It's just so goddamn happy in this apartment that it makes Ryan feel a little dizzy. 

"Hey, you alright?" Jenna asks from beside him as the door closes and Josh disappears. The realization that this is the first time Ryan has been without him since the first day setting in with the thick beat of fear washing over in pinprick shocks to his nerves. Jenna looks like she understands though, and she takes his hand and guides him towards the bathroom. Her voice filling up the quiet apartment along with the music she turns on again. She talks about wedding plans, about advice for him and Josh, about her niece that she describes as so cute that it makes even Ryan want to see her. And before he knows it Ryan and Jenna are sat cross-legged on the living room floor with lemon facemasks on and wedding-magazine clippings surrounding them along with various bags of chips and assorted nail polish colors that Jenna is now having Ryan do to her. 

"You have artist hands, which are way steadier than Tyler's so i'm fairly certain that this'll look fucking amazing." Jenna says as he hold her hand in his lap delicately, his lip dragged between his teeth and his brow furrowed in concentration. He had always liked this sort of thing secretly, even though he could've never explored it. His father was in the military and Brendon was so strict that if Ryan had so much as even glanced in the makeup aisle of a shop with either of them he would've been hit. But the appeal was still there, with the delicate colors and bottles and the gorgeous dresses in the shop windows he passed on his way to work before he had to quit. He was jealous of girls in some ways. Even if the felt so hurt and cold and empty they could always cover it, and even if they were happy they could still enjoy all the pretty things they wanted. 

"Do you want me to do yours?" Jenna asks, a gentle smile on her lips and for a second Ryan is genuinely concerned about her ability to read minds. He knows he should say no, he knows that. But Jenna is pushing a bottle of mint green polish towards him with her toe and he knows his silence has already given his answer away. "Don't worry about it, Ry. Nobody here is gonna judge, and it'll look cute on you." 

Jenna does the polish for him once her own bright pink nails are done perfectly. The tiny brush held in her practiced hands as Ryan glanced through her magazine clippings. Once they dried, he couldn't stop smiling because even though the color was barely noticeable, it was there and nobody was hurting him about it. He was allowed to do something that made him feel good for the first time in so long that he almost cried, but he didn't want to ruin the moment so he just smiled at Jenna and thanked her. Her reply was to drag him onto the couch where they watched shitty TV until the boys got back. 

Jenna is asleep on his shoulder whenever Josh and Tyler push through the doorway, Tyler's loud laugh quieting as soon as he spots Jenna fro across the threshold. His expression softens with his warm brown eyes crinkling slightly in a smile as he looks at his sleeping fiancee. It's a weird thing to see, the way Tyler looks at Jenna is how he had always hoped that Josh would look at him, even after the years of abuse, he had still hoped. Jenna deserves to be looked at like that though, something that Ryan isn't so sure that he could say about himself.

He could've stayed in that apartment forever and would probably be content in its safety and warmth, but Tyler didn't want to wake Jenna up, saying that she had been keeping herself too stressed with the wedding plans, and so Josh had smiled and said that it was probably time for them to go anyway. 

Jenna's advice echoed in his head on the drive back. Chicago's midday traffic giving him enough time to think things over as Josh sang along to some punk band on the radio. He kept grinning and glancing at Ryan as he pumped his fist to the drums. He seemed electric, and Ryan wanted desperately to just be able to tell Josh how beautiful he looked then. His cotton-candy blue hair dry and the roots showing, his voice off-key, and his tee shirt stained after multiple days of use. He looked alive, and it made Ryan's heart beat fast in his chest as he watched. He had sent so long with a barren shell of a man that the idea of somebody who practically exudes light was too beautiful.

Josh opens the door for them after they finish the climb upstairs to Josh's apartment, Josh barely even breathless from doing it out of habit and Ryan glares at him playfully as the other man raises a teasing eyebrow as Ryan takes in a few heavy breaths. "I would say you could go running with me sometime to get you used to it, but I know you're more of the "sit and read" type." Josh says fondly as they walk into the living room, shutting the door behind them before turning back to Ryan.

"Reading is good though!" Ryan pouts back a little, his eyebrows raised at Josh's vague insult to his first true love and Josh chuckles in return before flopping back onto the couch and nodding towards his bookshelf. "Read to me then. I know my books probably aren't your thing, but you'll make them sound interesting." Josh says and closes his eyes, his muscles already relaxing contentedly before he could see the pink blush flooding Ryan's cheeks as he grabbed a book from Josh's shelf. It was a small biography on Sid Vicious, which excited Ryan a little. Josh looked up to some of the same people he did, whereas Brendon had always made fun of his idols. He wanted to be able to talk about all the records he used to love, all the books he used to read under a tent of covers despite the Vegas heat with a flashlight in one hand and Spencer Smith sprawled lazily out at his side.

He sits shyly at the edge of the couch. His throat going dry as he looks down at the first page and he shivers a little as he looks back at Josh's relaxed figure. He shouldn't be so nervous, he knew Josh wouldn't hurt him. But he couldn't help the anxiety that crept into the back of his mind. Brendon's voice whispering that if he did something wrong here, Josh would make him leave and he'd truly have no one. He can't have another breakdown though, not now. So he just shakes his head and coughs a little before starting the first paragraph and eventually developing a quiet rhythm, lost in the words like he used to be before a hand gently tugs on his waist. Josh's touch gently and Ryan looks over to see the other boy smiling at him gently. "You don't have to sit all the way over there, Ry." Josh mutters gently before moving over a little to make room for Ryan's thin body against his side. Josh's muscled chest pressed against his back and his tanned arm thrown over the dip of his waist like it was nothing. Josh laughs a little before speaking again. "C'mon, don't leave me hanging, keep reading." 

"You own the book, which means you've probably read it and so you know what happens, so I can't leave you hanging." Ryan replied sarcastically as he felt himself relaxing back against Josh before looking back to meet the other man's eyes that were crinkled sweetly in warm light. "I don't care." Josh said quietly, and Ryan swallowed deeply before nodding and turning back to the book in hand as if the image of Josh leaning forward to press his chapped lips against Ryan's own hadn't just flickered through his mind.

They stay like that for what feels like hours. Ryan's voice filling the quiet space of the apartment until his mouth is too dry to continue and Josh is humming the song from Tyler and Jenna's apartment earlier languidly behind him. His fingers tracing small circles over Ryan's protruding ribs almost subconsciously as Ryan himself closed his eyes and listened to the soft sound.

"It had been a while since I'd heard good music like that." He mumbled. Josh's fingers slowing down a little as he listened before he leaned over and looked down at Ryan with a small frown. "You and Brendon didn't have music?" He asked, his frown deepening as Ryan shrugged and muttered "I wasn't allowed." In reply. 

"Shit, Ry, Come'er. Josh jumped up from the couch and walked toward the Ipod dock on the shelf with newfound urgency. His brow furrowed in concentration and his bottom lip tugged between his teeth as he scrolled through his playlist and selected a song. A smile tugging on his lips as he pressed play and turned back to Ryan who was now cross-legged on the couch with a curious smile tugging at the corner of his own mouth as he looked up at Josh who shook his head with an appalled, dramatic sigh before holding out his hands for Ryan. "No way in hell am I allowing you to actually sit still when listening to one of the best slow songs in the world, Ross." He grinned and nodded to his outstretched hands encouragingly and for a second, Ryan's heart is pounding and his just too afraid, but then he looks up into Josh's brown eyes, and nothing stops him.

Josh laughs happily and pulls Ryan up as the first lyric begins. Ryan's never heard the song and his movements are uncoordinated and shy but Josh doesn't seem to mind. He simply rest his hand son Ryan's hips and Ryan slings his over Josh's strong shoulders like they're at homecoming again and Josh sways them slowly, a grin spread across his face and Ryan can see every perfect detail. The snow-flurry of freckles over Josh's tan skin, the twirl of blue hair that fell messily over his forehead, the sharp arch of his upper lip. Josh was radiant, and with the music floating faintly through the apartment and the way Josh's hands wrap around his thin waist, Ryan almost feels like he could melt through the floor from pure, unadulterated joy. 

It’s never gonna be the same  
If it was easy would you feel this way  
Now there’s nothing left for us to do  
Except for you to be good to me  
And me be good to you

Josh spins Ryan around and Ryan can't help the happy giggle that escapes his lips as he's swung back and stumbles back against Josh's chest, swaying again as the song trails off until he's left just humming the tune quietly, lost in the moment as he focuses on the feeling of Josh's fingertips against the fabric of his shirt.

"Ryan, it probably wasn't fair of me to do that to you." Josh said quietly, and when Ryan looked up he's met with Josh's lips set in a sad frown. His heart drops and his hands fall away from Josh's shoulders as he shakes his head in confusion. "I- I did something wrong?" He says, and pretends not to notice the crack in his own voice before Josh's eyes widen and he shakes his head urgently. "No! No, Ryan, you've not done anything wrong at all! But you know we...We just can't, Ry. I can't flirt with you like that because you don't fucking-" 

"I don't know what I want?" Ryan cuts Josh off harshly. His eyes hardening and he wraps his thin arms over his chest protectively, feeling suddenly small as Josh stares back at him regretfully. "I've had other people making decisions for me my whole goddamn life, Josh. I know what I want! I want to just...I want to feel loved, for once in my life I want to know that somebody I care about won't hurt me and I want to feel-" Ryan's voice wavers tearfully and he angrily wipes at his eyes with a balled fist, unable to look back at Josh as he continues. 

"I want to feel like I'm not so alone." 

He looks down at the warm, beige carpet, fully expecting a slap to the cheek or even worse. Not like he didn't deserve it, he was never supposed to speak out like that, never supposed to make it known if he was upset.

Which is why his breath catches in shock when he feels a warm hand tilting his chin up instead of the usual sharp crack of pain. Feather soft fingertips caressing his cheek before he's brave enough to open his eyes to look at Josh who is staring back at him with so much warmth...

His thoughts short-circuit as Josh cups his cheek and moves his other hand to the small of Ryan's back. Josh's soft lips crashing against Ryan's own dry ones urgently, but not roughly. Bending closer and pulling away like water, only stopping when neither of them have any breath left. 

Josh gently laid Ryan down onto the white sheets. Josh's eyes were soft as his fingers traced along Ryan's pale, soft skin. "You're so beautiful," he murmured, brown eyes staring deep.

Ryan's breath caught in his chest as he blushed, wrapping his arms around Josh's neck, pulling him so that he was on top. Butterfly's were erupting in his stomach, and he was so nervous he could feel his limbs shake. Of course, Josh noticed. He pressed soft kisses against Ryan's neck, and his thumb came up to caress Ryan's cheekbone. "We don't have to do anything, if you don't want to," he whispered, face nothing but earnest and kind.

Ryan whimpered, pulling closer to Josh. "I want you." He said, eyes fierce, even though all his brain wanted to remind him of was the flickers of Brendon. His cruel words, and loveless actions. "I'm just scared," he admitted, wanting to hide his face in Josh's neck, where it was warm and comfortable, and nothing could hurt him.

Josh, took Ryan's arms off his neck, and Ryan pulled back, confused and terrified. Oh god, Josh was rejecting him. Of course, who would want someone as broken and used as him-

His thoughts were cut short by Josh shifting so that he was sitting up, and Ryan was brought into his lap. Ryan wasted no time wrapping his arms around Josh's warm body like a koala. Ryan was full on shaking now, and Josh's arms were holding him, keeping him grounded. "I'm so scared," he whimpered once again.

"I know," Josh replied, holding him impossibly tighter, so that there was no space in between their bodies. "I got you," he said into Ryan's ear, kissing all up his neck once more.

Josh took hold of Ryan's hands, and tangled his fingers with his. Ryan had forgotten about the finger polish on them until he caught Josh staring. He tried stammering out an excuse, eyes wide in fear, but Josh cut him off. "You're beautiful Ry. You don't have to be ashamed of anything you like."

Ryan looked at Josh in awe, he could feel himself tearing up, but didn't want to ruin the mood. So instead, he placed his lips against Josh's desperately. He wanted to feel him everywhere, and give him everything. Even though he knows that it only ends in pain. "I want you Josh," he found himself whining, "I want you, please, Josh," he sounded pathetic to his own ears, but Josh only gently shushed him, and kissed him softly.

"What do you want, baby?" Josh asked. "Anything you want."

"I just want you," Ryan said desperately, squirming on Josh's lap, letting out little gaspy breathes.

"Hey, hey," Josh urged, "it's okay, I got you." And pressed Ryan against the sheets once more. When he did, he took Ryan's hand and pressed it against his chest. Ryan could feel the fast, and hard, beating of Josh's heart. "Do you feel that?" Josh asked, and Ryan could only merely nod, eyes locked on Josh's, which were hypnotic, and oh so addictive. "I'm scared to," Josh breathed.

Ryan surged up, pressing their lips together once more, hastily. There was teeth clacking, and tongues everywhere, to the point where he couldn't tell where his mouth ended and Josh's began. He wanted to crawl inside Josh, and have him consume every part of his being. Ryan broke away, panting against Josh's lips. "Please Josh, I need you, please."

Josh looked at Ryan nervously. "Are you sure?"

Ryan nodded vigorously, before tugging hesitantly at the bottom of Josh's shirt. Josh wasted no time pulling it off. Ryan's eyes locked on Josh's muscular chest, and couldn't help biting his lip at all the hard lines, and planes of his stomach, and biceps.

When Josh reached for Ryan's own shirt, he tried to ignore all the voices in his head, telling how he didn't compare to Josh. How Josh was gorgeous, and fit, and looked more like a Greece statue made of marble, then the sickly pale limbs that Ryan had let Brendon turn him into. He shut his eyes tight, not even realizing his hands covering up the soft part of his belly, until Josh's hands slowly moved them away.

"You're gorgeous," he reassured firmly, making Ryan almost believe his words. Josh trailed kisses down Ryan's stomach, leaving two marks over his jutted hip bones, causing him to let out a small whine. His hips jerked involuntarily as Josh's lips went lower, and he needed something to grab onto for purchase. He was so turned on, he was straining through his boxers and jeans. It had been a very long time since someone had paid this much attention to him, and his body was reacting accordingly.

After a few more minutes of Josh slathering Ryan's body in marks, and traces of his tongue, Ryan could stand it anymore. He grabbed Josh's face, harshly pulling him up so Ryan could kiss him once again. "I can't-" Ryan gasped, when Josh's hips brushed against his. "I need- God, Josh. I need you in me, please."

Josh bit his lip, which Ryan found impossibly sexy. "Okay," Josh said, he pulled away from Ryan a bit. "We need condoms and lube I guess?"

Josh reached into the nightstand next to the bed and dug around. After a few moments he pulled out a string of condoms, but looked disappointed. "We have condoms, but no lube."

Ryan nodded. "Okay, lemme go get some conditioner."

Josh blinked. "What."

Ryan giggled, honest to god giggled at the absurdity. "You can use conditioner for lube."

Josh looked at him skeptically. "Wouldn't, I don't know, something like lotion work best?"

Ryan shook his head rapidly. "No. Well, unscented isn't too bad. But it still can burn and irritate your dick when applied. Conditioner's the best."

"If you say so," Josh said, ripping off one of the condoms from the strip and tossing it to Ryan. "I'll be right back." He scrambled into the bathroom and came back out with the entire bottle of conditioner.

Ryan giggled again. "I feel like I'm in a health class," he said dryly.

Josh smirked. "If my health teacher was as hot as you, brown eyes, I don't think I would've skipped school so much."

Ryan blushed, hiding his face from Josh. Josh took the conditioner, and slathered it onto his fingers. "I'm gonna prep you, is that okay?" He asked.

Ryan's hard-on came back full force at the image of Josh in between his legs. He carefully slipped off his boxers, leaving him completely nude and vulnerable. But Josh just brought his hand up, rubbing Ryan's thigh soothingly before inserting the first finger. It didn't feel like much, until he started wiggling it around, after a few awkward strokes, he finally found Ryan's prostate, causing him to moan loudly.

"You want another one?" Josh asked, while Ryan nodded, grinding his hips down, wanting more friction.

Josh inserted a second finger, and made sure that they both dug into Ryan's prostate, causing him to squirm against the sheets. He moaned continuously, not even aware of all the sounds coming out of his mouth. It had been a long time since someone had cared about his pleasure during sex.

Josh removed both fingers from Ryan, and glanced at him wearily. "I can get you off like that if you want. But do you still want me to fuck you?"

Ryan moaned at the obscenity falling out of Josh's mouth. "God yes, please."

Josh looked at Ryan for another moment before he took off his boxers, letting his erection spring free. It was pink at the tip, and leaking pre-cum. Josh was absolutely gorgeous, and Ryan wanted nothing more than to have him inside of him. Ryan grabbed the condom, and tore it open with his teeth, wasting no time in rolling it down, and over Josh's dick. Josh's head tossed back, and he let out a strangled groan, as Ryan's thin fingers gave him a few quick strokes after putting on the condom. "Fuck Ry," he gasped, before batting his hand away.

He poured some conditioner from the bottle and rubbed it on his cock, as Ryan watched, mesmerized. Josh finally, put his hand onto Ryan's hip, and lifted one of his legs so that it was on his shoulder, leaving his entrance wide open. Josh slowly sunk in, causing Ryan to gasp and cry out, wrapping his fingers into Josh's hair. Josh's mouth was pressed against Ryan's neck, and his breaths came out not and ragged, as every inch of him sunk in.

Once he was fully in, Ryan's eyes rolled to the back of his head. "God Josh," he groaned, immediately grinding his hips. He wanted to feel him everywhere, and he was basking in the feeling of fullness.

They both didn't last long. With Josh's strong, and even thrusts, Ryan was a squirming, and squealing mess soon enough. He gasped and moaned, pulling on Josh's hair, calling out his name, before finally spilling all over his stomach. Josh followed quickly behind, with only two more thrusts. He collapsed on top of Ryan, holding him tight in his arms.

"You're not alone, baby. I promise." Josh says as he presses another kiss to Ryan's forehead.

"You'll never feel alone again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks to Ashley for beta-ing this and for writing the smut because I'm a virgin who simply can't. Hope you all enjoyed!


	3. Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little happiness for a change

Ryan didn't get very far before he gave up and went home.  
Home, that was a loose term. It was what he had called the apartment back when he lived there. The fourteen-story faded slate-grey building tucked between a CVS and a video rental store that had long since lost it's business. It had been his home ever since Brendon had shown Ryan a set of keys with a gleeful smile and a passionate kiss. He had said that they could be like a "real couple" now that they had their own place. Part of Ryan had wished that Brendon had consulted him before renting the apartment, but mostly he was excited. Brendon committing to the home was a promise that he wasn't planning on leaving Ryan anytime soon, and the very idea of that made Ryan's heart swell.

Now, Ryan is standing on the wet sidewalk outside of the apartment. He's cast in a shadow of green streetlight which curves into the hollowed parts of his ashen cheeks. The smell of gasoline stings the inside of his nose and he can feel it in his lungs. All the smells are magnified by summer heat, and even at night, the cement beneath him still feels warm beneath the soles of his beaten up Converse. 

 

He calls it home, but he isn't sure. 

 

He's been with Josh for over a month now, but he wouldn't call Josh's apartment his home yet. It's too soon, and despite the warmth and familiarity he feels whenever Josh wraps his strong arms around Ryan's waist, it's still new. Josh barely knows anything about Ryan, and who's to say that he'll want Ryan there whenever he finds out more. 

He hasn't seen Brendon in that whole month though, and as far as he knew, Brendon had made no attempts to find him. Ryan knew that he should be thankful, but it had become hard to ignore the shriveling cold feeling of heartbreak that had wormed his way into his chest. Josh kept telling him that Brendon had never loved him, and that none of the pain he had inflicted on Ryan had come from affection, but Josh seemed to forget that even if Brendon hadn't returned the feeling, Ryan had loved the man and being left without seemingly a second thought...It hurt like traffic. 

Jenna had been more understanding. She came over to Josh's apartment two days after him and Josh had sex and she seemed to know it as soon as her ice-water eyes had fallen to Ryan. She had been at Josh at first, had pulled the taller man into the kitchen and yelled at him about trust and how Ryan wasn't ready, but as she spoke she seemed to doubt her own words. It had been herself who had originally said that Ryan wasn't made of glass, that he could handle living again. 

 

Now, Ryan is standing outside of his old home's door and he isn't really sure if Jenna was right because if this is life, it's too hard. His blood feels like ice and lava at the same time and his hands are shaking on the chipped doorknob. He still has his key so he knows that he could let himself in if he wanted to, but that doesn't feel right anymore. He doesn't even know if Brendon is home, really.

Brendon doesn't answer when he knocks, nobody does. Ryan breathes out a small, quiet sigh and his shoulder's slump under the thin maroon tee shirt Jenna had bought him when they had gone shopping together two weeks before.

Ryan bites his chapped bottom lip and stalls at the doorway just long enough that it would be suspicious to anybody watching if they cared, but nobody was watching so nobody minded when Ryan pulled the small, silver key from the pocket of his jeans and slipped it into the lock. The door opened with the usual budge and short creaking noise that came with the cheap rent, the smell of cologne and cigarette smoke hit Ryan as soon as he stepped inside, the smell making his head swim with flashes of everything that had happened inside. He had thought that he wouldn't feel the same, that he'd be able to look at Brendon and know that he couldn't go back, but this was his place in the world! Josh barely knew him, no matter how perfect he seemed, he wasn't ready for Ryan's burden. Brendon already knew what to expect, and Ryan knew that Brendon would never abandon him, he'd just yell at him instead. Brendon was safe, in his own messed up kind of way.

 

The apartment is almost exactly the same as he left it, if messier. He didn't expect much of a change seeing as he'd only been gone a month, but it's still off-putting, seeing the remains of what had at one point been his life. There aren't any traces of Ryan living there, but then again, there never were, so that hasn't changed either.

The bedroom is still kept dark, and when Ryan sits down onto the false-wood floors with his long legs tucked criss-crossed beneath himself he can imagine that he never left and that the past few years hadn't happened. He can go back to Vegas, where he met Brendon for the first time. The two of them had been choking on Nevada heat, desperate teenagers working equally horrible jobs. Ryan had barely spoken back then, and Brendon had been loud enough to fill up a room full of people with his voice, but Brendon had noticed him. He had seen Ryan at his job at their suburban mall's music store and he had been charmed by Ryan's silence. 

Back then, Ryan could be playful, sarcastic, sassy, and Brendon would laugh and tease him in return even though he'd always kiss Ryan's cheek after to show that he didn't mean it. They had held hands and run through downtown at night after being caught kissing in an alley outside a venue by some huge guys looking for a fight, they had wrapped up in each others arms on Ryan sixteenth birthday, crying together when Ryan told Brendon that his mother had left him, and that he was alone. 

 

Brendon was Ryan's first boyfriend, his first love, and the first person he ever trusted. It was probably inevitable that things would go bad. 

 

It started mostly just before they moved to Chicago. It was nothing physical, it was simply that Brendon made the decision to move without consulting Ryan at all. Ryan had yelled at him and it had become one of their first really bad fights, but he had forgiven Brendon quick enough for the two of them to still use the plane tickets Brendon had bought. 

Chicago was cold, and it turned everything blue. 

Brendon got worse after he lost his job. There were less mornings of dancing in the kitchen and kissing on counter tops and more of Ryan getting ready for work alone as Brendon slept through a hangover. 

He blamed Ryan for little things, like the apartment not being nice enough or for embarrassing them at a restaurant when Ryan stuttered through an order. He always apologized after, but he was still strict. Ryan learned that speaking quietly and agreeing to whatever Brendon was saying was the best was to avoid a fight. 

Josh wouldn't understand. 

 

A sharp intake of breath catches in his throat and he feels his muscles go stiff beneath his skin as soon as the creak of the opening door echos through the quiet apartment. There's a clatter of keys, and the sound of a beer being cracked open and for a second Ryan considers leaving through the bedroom window to the fire escape. He had thought that he was ready, that he needed to see Brendon again, but the sudden pounding of his blood in his ears and the numbness in his fingertips indicates otherwise. He knows he can't do anything except face the other man though, so he shakily pulls himself to his feet and wipes the sweat on the palls of his hands down his jeans before cracking open the bedroom door and taking the first step into the hall.

Brendon's head snaps up immediately, his liquid brown eyes going wide before hardening into steel. Ryan heart jumps into his throat and all he can do is make the crackling beginnings of words before he shakes his head and looks down to the stained carpet of the floor. He had thought that he was brave, but who had he been kidding? Ryan Ross never has been and never will be able to stand up to Brendon. Just seeing the mans eyes makes his legs feel like lead and the words he had planned so carefully are stuck to the roof of his mouth like glue.

"So, I guess running away didn't work out for you, huh?" Brendon says, his voice is dangerously quiet but he isn't still. His fingertips that had once played piano late at night for Ryan are now drumming against the leg of his jeans and his eyes are running over his fiance (Ex-fiance? Ryan wasn't sure." as if he were appraising him. "Not that it ever could've, Ryan. You don't have anybody out there to help you, and God knows, you can't do anything yourself." 

 

Ryan feels the pinprick of tears behind his eyes and he doesn't think he's ever been so disappointed in himself. This was supposed to be the moment that he finally got to fight back, that he would finally get his word in before he returned to the city to start life again without Brendon's looming shadow. Brendon seems gleeful as he looks at Ryan though, like he knows every thought of defeat that's running through Ryan's mind and before he can even make a sound of protest, Brendon has taken three long strides forward and has wrapped his surprisingly strong arms around Ryan's hips, pressing the boy against his chest as he tilts his gaze down to meet Ryan's eyes again. 

"I love you, Ry-baby. You can't leave me again, right?" Brendon says, his voice dripping with a sickening-sweet malice that Ryan had been blind to before. The affection that he had once been able to get lost in to justify the abuse was now invisible. He can't let himself pretend that Brendon loves him again, no matter how much it pulls his heart in two to know that the man he had given every ounce of his soul into to love, had only been using him. He had been reading up on abusive relationships on Jenna's laptop, and he had come to know that this, this was practically textbook.

"N-No." Ryan stuttered, his voice embarrassingly shaky as he pushed his slim hands against Brendon's chest with a sharp noise of protest. "A-And get off of me! You have no goddamn right to hold me like...Like i'm coming back to you! I'm not coming back to you, you evil, deceiving, bastard!" Ryan's voice went shrill and he knew he was being too loud, but he also knew that the neighbors were drug addicts and ex-cons that could care less. Brendon seems almost shocked too, which is somewhat satisfying until the other man shakes himself out of it and moves forward again, this time with a heavy power. But Ryan had come prepared for Brendon's inevitable attack and with his heart beating in his throat and his hands shaking, he pulls the small safety handgun that he had snuck from Jenna out from his waistband. 

"Y-You don't get to hurt me again, Brendon." Ryan speaks slowly, quietly, as Brendon steps back. He looks deadly angry, and his hands are curled up in fist, but he isn't trying to hurt Ryan anymore. Ryan of course had no intention to shoot, but Brendon didn't know that. Maybe Brendon was thinking that some of his own anger had rubbed off on Ryan. 

"I'm getting a restraining order, and i'm taking self defense classes, and I'm moving to LA, Brendon. I'm never going to see you again!" He lowers the gun as he speaks, but doesn't stow it away. He doesn't even know where the idea of moving had come from, but the fleeting thought of sun and freedom seems to tempting to dismiss after he leaves this godforsaken apartment. 

"If you're doing so good, than why are you here?" Brendon says, his deep coffee eyes are tinged with steel and his tick lips are curved into a smirk. Ryan's mind buzzes as his feet carry him towards Brendon as if without his permission until they are standing practically toe to toe, Ryan's chin tilted upwards to meet Brendon's eyes with his own hard stare as his shoulders went rigid and he spoke back icily. "Because I wanted you to know that you didn't beat me. You haven't won anything in life, Brendon." 

He shoves the taller man away before grabbing his keys from the table and striding towards the door. A lamp smashes by the wall beside him as he pulls the door open and he can hear Brendon shouting something, he pretends that he doesn't flinch at the noise but he doesn't turn back, he knows that. 

 

He's several blocks away before he stops. Stationed safely outside of a small secondhand shop, finally out of the sketchier part of the city. As he looked around at the cold grey of the buildings, everything toned in pale shades even in summer, he couldn't help but think about LA again. He would probably never be able to convince Josh to move, but there was still the strong possibility that Josh would leave him, so maybe one day Ryan would see the West Coast. 

The walk home is quiet, surprisingly. He knows that he should probably more shake by the confrontation with Brendon, and he knows that that'll probably happen later, but for now it feels as if there's been a wait lifted from his chest. He hadn't realized just how much he had needed Brendon to know that he hadn't beaten Ryan before.

He probably should've anticipated Josh's reaction before he walked into the apartment. He hadn't told anybody where he was going in a very in-character display of obliviousness. Jenna is the first to open the door, and then Tyler appears behind her. She has her blonde hair thrown up in a messy ponytail and her mascara is running slightly. She's holding her cellphone against her chest too, and as Ryan's eyes look up to meet hers, he can see her emotions flash before she pulls him into a crushing hug. 

 

"Jesus fucking Christ, Ross." Tyler says quietly, staring at the other two as Jenna squeezes him again, tucking his head against her neck with her hand cradled around his head like a mother. He realizes then that she's crying, and a wave of guilt washes over him, practically crushing the feeling of weightlessness from earlier.

"We thought you had died! We thought he had come here while Josh was gone...Josh called me saying he had checked the bookstore and Brendon's and anywhere else he could think of and you weren't there!" Jenna shouts and it's the first time that he's ever seen her truly angry. He notes that Josh had probably gone to Brendon's when he had been quiet in the bedroom. Not making enough noise to indicate that he was there, and Brendon's car would've been missing anyway. 

"Ryan steps away from Jenna, his head dipping down as he bites his lip hard. He was irresponsible, hurtful, and scared the only people in the world that he has. Maybe Brendon wasn't wrong when he used to say that Ryan was hard to love.

"I'm so sor-" He starts before the front door opens once more, this time with a bang as Josh stumbles through looking frantic. His cotton-candy hair is frazzled and his eyes are too wide and scared looking for Ryan to ever care to see again. 

"I'm so sorry." He repeats, as he turns to fully face the other man. He's barely got it out of his mouth before Josh rushes towards Ryan, and for a second Ryan flinches away, because usually when men rush at him, they have ill intentions. But Josh's arms wrap themselves around his small frame instead, blanketing Ryan vision into the softness of Josh's hoodie and the smell of paper and mint toothpaste. Josh's fingers curl tightly into the back of his dark hair, holding on tightly whilst his other, large hand presses against Ryan's shoulder blades to hold him as close to Josh as possible. 

They stay like that until Ryan realizes that they're both crying now, and he sincerely hopes that Tyler isn't or this would be even more awful. He pulls away slightly to shake his head apologetically, his eyes desperately wide. He isn't sure if Josh is just holding him from being scarred before he decides to ask Ryan to leave. It was circumstances like this that would show Josh that he didn't want Ryan. 

"I-I understand if you don-"

"I love you." 

They speak at the same time, and Ryan feels as if all the air in the world had suddenly disappeared as he looks up into Josh's eyes whilst the other man continues speaking. 

 

"I was just running fuck all across Chicago, and Ryan, I thought that you were dead! An- And I just couldn't stop thinking about how much I desperately needed to have told you that I love you." Josh's voice steadies, and his hands hold Ryan's shoulders in a solid grip whilst Jenna and Tyler both slip behind them towards the door. Jenna looks between them for a second, before whispering something into Josh's ear and shutting the door. Ryan isn't paying those events much attention though, as his legs have apparently decide to give out, either from Josh's statement or from the stress of his time with Brendon earlier. It's probably both though, because his mind is suddenly reeling and his throat is choking with the ugly sounds of somebody trying their damn best not to cry whilst he wraps his arms tightly around his legs. Burring his head against them to try and go back to the comforting dark. He wishes he were asleep, he wishes he had never left Vegas with Brendon, he wises that he could love Josh like a normal person, he wishes a lot of things. 

"Ryan." Josh says quietly, and Ryan can feel the brush of the other man against himself as Josh sits down beside him. The delicate brush of fingertips over his thin shoulders sending him pinpricks of warmth as he finds himself relaxing back against Josh's toned chest. His eyes are burning with unshed tears again, and he doesn't trust his voice not to crack if he were to try to speak, but he knows Josh needs to hear something, so he takes a deep breath and tries anyway. 

"I'm not very good at loving people, Josh." Ryan whispers as he turns his cheek to hide his face against Josh's shoulder. Letting his chestnut curls obscure his face whilst Josh's fingers move down to rub gentle circles lower on his spindly arms. "I'm scared and selfish and I can't do all the things you'll want to do! I'll just hold you back, and that's not fair to you." 

Josh sighs from behind him before Ryan feels the soft press of a kiss to his temple and Josh's own voice permeates the silence once more. "Those things aren't you, Ryan. They're symptoms of your life but they aren't all there is to you. I want to have the time to know you and to show you a family like you deserve! I want to take you on nice dates and I want you to have Christmas with me and Tyler and Jenna and I want you to write again and to wear all the aqua nail polish you want. I want-" Josh chokes up for a second before reaching up to quickly scrub the tears off of his tanned face that had begun to trail down. 

"I want us to have a chance, because I think that we deserve it." Josh says, and this time his voice is less frantic and choked, the steadiness that Ryan had come to associate with Josh returning once again. "I've spent a good long while thinking that everybody was gonna get their chances except me, but I met you and I know that this is something that i'm supposed to follow. So unless you want me to let you go, i'll take anything that you think will hurt, and we'll work through it together." Josh looks down as he speaks, his mahogany eyes meeting with Ryan's hazel ones whilst he bites the inside of his cheek nervously. 

Ryan's heart is beating deeply again. Thick beats that make his blood feel thick and slow and his ears start ringing a little but he isn't scared as much as he is overwhelmed. It was hard to believe anything after Brendon, and it was hard to accept that there would be anybody that would actually desire a future with somebody with as many issues as him. It didn't make any sense, but maybe...

Ryan tilts his chin up, turning so his long legs can wrap around Josh's waist whist his thin fingers trail over the faded fabric of Josh's tee shirt, working from the other man's collarbones to the ends of his wrist. Josh's breathing is slow, and he hardly moves at all, instead keeping his hands loosely wrapped around Ryan's own waist as he held the man. Together on the living room floor of Josh's apartment. 

 

Maybe, maybe this could work. 

 

"I want to try." Ryan whispers, just before he connects his lips to Josh's just enough for the warmth of his breath to touch Josh. It's testing and furtive, until Josh looks down at him with a small smile and Ryan can't help himself but to move forward again. Their lips slot together so well, like pieces of a puzzle. It's all excited joyful movement with Ryan's sharp hips rocking forward and his hands tangling to the curly blue hairs at the back of Josh's head while Josh's own hands sneak up beneath Ryan's tee shirt. 

This is it, this is Ryan's choice. And he knows that it's been the right one. 

 

Chapter Three- Part II 

 

Jenna's hair is done up in curlers whilst she taps her barely-pink nails against the palm of Ryan's hand. She all nerves today, but in an elated, giggly way that suits her. The wedding had been put together flawlessly, and there was no question as to Tyler's love for her so there was really no reason to be nervous, but that didn't stop her. She had insisted that Ryan stay with her in the bridal lounge with the bridesmaids to help keep her calm in the hours beforehand. Josh was doing the same with Tyler in the room for the groomsmen on the other side of the hotel. Ryan would have to leave soon to join Josh there and get in his own suit, but for now he was content helping Jenna with whatever finishing touches she insisted had to be done. 

Eventually, Jenna was ready and content with everything in place. Her blonde hair circled up into an updo with soft curls falling around her face whilst the lights that had been wrapped around the room's mirrors illuminated her blue eyes even more. She looked radiant in a way that Ryan had trouble describing, despite his affinity for words.

He's already got his own hair combed out and swept upwards slightly in an unruly but still somewhat stylish look that Jenna had deemed good enough. His barely-tinged pink suit with the small cream pocket square is waiting for him on the hook with the groomsman's suits once he finally arrives at the men's suite. He isn't one of the wedding party, due to his own request. Jenna had been very understanding when he admitted to still being scared in front of crowds, so she had compensated by keeping him heavily involved in the planning. 

He slips into the outfit quickly. Smoothing everything down with the palms of his hands until he feels a warm pair of arms wrap themselves around his waist. He can smell Josh's cologne instantly, the sharp smell of cinnamon and fresh grass relaxing him as he rest back against his boyfriend's chest. 

"You ready?" Josh asks behind him and Ryan can hear the smile in Josh's voice. He nods in reply before turning around to appraise how Josh looks in the soft grey suit that matched with the rest of the groomsmen. He looked like sunshine, of course. He strong arms filled out the shoulders and his soft hair, now pink instead of blue, had been swept up into a soft quif. "You look pretty." Ryan mumbles shyly as he bites his lip, his fingertips trailing gently over the lapels of Josh's suit as he speaks whilst Josh's own hands press to the small of his back. Josh smiles down at him before pressing a soft kiss to Ryan's forehead, hugging him gently before stepping away from the mirror to twirl Ryan around with a small laugh. "And you look absolutely stunning, baby."

Ryan ducks his head, hiding his blush as he gathers his wallet and slips it into his pocket. "You ready? You need to get lined up and I need to get to my seat." He says and Josh nods quickly, opening the door for Ryan and allowing him to walk through first out into the hotel hallway before going out himself. 

He drops Josh off outside the venue's main room's doors with the rest of the wedding party, giving a quick kiss to Josh and then one on the cheek to Jenna before he went through the next hall to join the rest of the guest at the seats. He recognizes a few of the people from around campus but other than that, he knows nobody. And it's not as if he knows the other students well enough to speak to them, as Brendon had always freaked out if he heard that Ryan had had lunch with somebody else or even simply spoken to them in passing. He tries not to mind though, as this is Jenna and Tyler's wedding, and nothing matters except how happy everybody is about to be.

 

The ceremony goes off without any issue, thank God. The groomsmen line up beside the pulpit and Josh flashes a quick smile to Ryan as Jenna begins to walk down the aisle to meet Tyler who is crying himself. They stumble through their vows, giggling and crying and squeezing each other's hands and Ryan doesn't notice that he's happily crying himself until he feels the salty taste catch the corner f his lip. Tyler swoops Jenna down and the kiss last much longer than is technically appropriate but nobody minded, mostly they just cried and clapped. The newly married couple then runs down the aisle together as music swirls above them and everybody stands to hug each other as Jenna and Tyler disappear back behind the doors. 

Ryan makes his way to the reception slowly, mingling around with a few of Josh's family members as Josh runs off to congratulate Tyler and undoubtedly interrupt him and Jenna in a compromising situation. His family are all almost unnaturally sweet though, seemingly a genetic trait in the Dun family. All of them recognize Ryan's name and Ryan blushes at the idea of Josh telling his family about him. Josh's mother brings him into an almost suffocating hug, and for once Ryan doesn't mind, he let's himself smile into the woman's shoulder as she threatens him and Josh if they don't come to Columbus soon for a dinner. It's like a carbon copy of the family Ryan had fantasized about having whilst growing up, and his stomach fills with warmth as he is passed between cousins and grandmas and parents.

Jenna and Tyler join the reception later. It's held in the hotel's ballroom, with strands of star-shaped lights and white roses strung up over the vaulted ceilings that fade into the blue lights surrounding the dance floor. The music starts to play softly just as Jenna and Tyler walk in through the brass-framed double doors with matching grins on their faces, hands held tightly together and they don't let go as they begin their first dance. It's slow, and isn't meant to be a spectacle at all, and even if it had, Ryan figures that they would have forgotten the choreography judging from the way they're staring into each other's eyes like they've never seen another face before. Ryan's heart swells, and he can feel tears prick at the corner of his eyes as he smiles a little and sways to the music.

 

"She's really grateful for you, you know." Josh's voice says from behind him, gentle hands moving to rest on his thin hips to break him out of his train of thought as he tilts his head back to see Josh nodding towards Jenna on the dance floor. He shrugs back, resting his head slightly against Josh's shoulder as the other man's hand wrap around his waist. Humming a little to the crystal sound of the music as the watch on. "She shouldn't be." Ryan mumbles against the shoulder of Josh's suit. "I only helped a little, and she had plenty of other people involved." He shrugs again, but doesn't miss it as Josh looks down at him with a small frown. "Ryan, it's not about the help, it's about you being there. It was hard for you to pluck up the courage to be there for her but you did it anyway, and she's really, really grateful. We all are." 

Josh says the last part quietly, with his lips pressed to Ryan's temple as the song changes to an upbeat pop song, the lights shifting from blue to pink and Ryan can't help but laugh as Josh spins them out onto the floor. Linking their hands together with a soft grin as Josh sways and twirls and wiggles his hands around like a maniac, his black coffee eyes glittering as he looks for Tyler to Jenna to his family and then to Ryan. 

 

They dance for hours, toast the new couple with flutes of champagne and then themselves with cups of soda. Hot and sweaty as they peal off their suit jackets before dancing even more. Ryan is lost between various aunts and uncles and college students who all spin around to the beat with mixtures of laughter and shy blushes. Ryan feels as if he's drunk, he feels as if nothing could ever be wrong.

He's exhausted by the time the music slows and the crowd has been thinned of any children or people who have work the next day. Leaving an assortment of couples to slowly sway their way around the soft lights and carpet of silver confetti left on the dance floor. Josh has his arms draped over Ryan's hips and Ryan's own are left loosely across his boyfriend's shoulders as their damp foreheads rest together, eyes closed and throats sore from laughter. 

"This reminds me of prom." Josh laughs under his breath, with a small shake of his head as his fingertips message circles into the fabric of Ryan's shirt. Ryan opens his own eyes a little to look back at Josh, eyes fixed over the smile lines under Josh's eyes and the stubble covering his tan chin. "I never went." He replies, and Josh's eyes open to look at him in surprise. "You never went to prom?" He says, voice scandalized even though he's still smiling at Ryan as Ryan shakes his head and laughs a little back. "Brendon was out of town when it happened and he didn't want me to go without him." He says simply, trying to avoid his boyfriend's expression as he knows Josh's smile has fallen slightly. 

"We'll make up for it then, I'll get you a corsage tonight, yeah? And we can make sweet, sweet love to some shitty, early 2000's pop song." Josh pulls away, leaving his hands in their place as he grins at Ryan who rolls his eyes back. "Cut the shitty music, and maybe we have a deal." He replies.

"Nah, baby. Have you ever had your dick sucked as the Spice Girls play in the background? I haven't either, but I feel like it'd be an experience." Josh giggles as they lock their hands together to grab their jackets. They try to find Jenna and Tyler before leaving, but Josh's sister informs them that the couple had already snuck off earlier with a knowing wink towards her brother. Before Josh runs them out towards the doors, faintly humming "and two become oooone" under his breath.

 

They're out for hours, running around Chicago like they own it. Ryan thinks something about how they aren't the type to paint towns red, the do it more in shades of pink and gold and flower patterns. Colors that remind him of love love love. When he tells that to Josh, Josh decides that Ryan's corsage must be all those colors, and when they finally find one, Ryan knows that he'll never get rid of it. 

 

They stumble through the doorway to the apartment, giggling like teenagers at around three AM, rumpled and exhausted and seemingly unable to unstick their hands from each other's skin as soon as the door is shut behind them. Josh laughs as Ryan tugs him back against him, allowing himself to be pressed back against the door as his hazel eyes stare up at his boyfriend, wide and tiered but also full of more life than he's ever really felt before. 

They let their lips slide against each other's in a lazy kiss before stumbling into the bedroom and falling into the rumpled sheets. Josh smiles a little to himself and pushes off his pants before pushing a stray curl away from Ryan's forehead. 

Ryan looks over his shoulder and to the ceiling, looking at the glow in the dark stars that Josh had pasted up there ages ago, all tiered eyes and pink lips. "You lost, sweetheart?" Josh teases, as he presses small kisses to each inch of Ryan's skin that is unveiled as he slowly unbuttons his lover's shirt. "I smell like sweat and your cologne." Ryan whispers, a small smile tugging at his thin lips as his eyes go back to Josh's who grins back down at him. 

Stretching slightly, Josh presses one hand to Ryan hip and the other just above his shoulder, as Ryan wraps his legs around and behind Josh, crossing his ankles behind his back. "Hold on tight, princess." Josh teases with another small kiss, to which the brunet replies with biting the tip of Josh's nose with a breathless giggle. 

 

It's always a shock to Ryan at how strong Josh really is. Where Ryan has girlish hips and thin wrist and sharp lines of bone, Josh has muscle. Pure, strong, sinewy, fucking unadulterated strength. It makes him self-conscious sometimes, not that he'd ever tell his boyfriend. Looking at Josh reminds him how much power the other could have, but didn't. Josh was a doting lover, always making sure Ryan was pleasured and happy, the opposite of anything he was used to. But it would never cease to shame him when Josh tugged off his shirt and was smooth and hard and Ryan was underneath him and just kinda bony and pale. 

 

"Stop it." Josh mumbles above him, his voice ghosting just over his collarbones.

"What?" He replies as he looks down at Josh, a tiny frown tugging at his lip. 

"Thinking like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you aren't the most perfect thing that has ever decided to fall into my life."

 

Ryan watches Josh's eyes for a few moments. He seems frustrated, not angry, just weary of his partner's self-deprecating thoughts. Ryan shakes his head though, and smiles back to Josh reassuringly. "Just...fucking make love to me, Joshy. I need you." He says as his spindly fingers tangle into Josh's thin pink curls before bringing their mouths together. Josh sliding their lips apart after a short kiss and nipping and sucking softly at the flesh of his throat. Ryan mumbles something, but Josh misses it.

Pushing the brunet's pants off to reveal the sharp hipbones he loved so much, Josh hums back at his lover. "What?" 

The other fist a hand into his own hair tighter and moans quietly when Josh bites at his hip. "I just, you're so good to me..." He whines, high in his throat and tosses his head back at the feeling of Josh's tongue sliding even lower. 

"You think so?" Josh grins roguishly and dips his teeth down to suck a small bite onto the pale skin.

Ryan looks down at him, eyes blown and panting. "I know so." He gasps, and Josh's grin widened as he explores his lover's skin before coming back up to meet Ryan's lips. 

Bracing his arms on either side of Ryan's shoulders, his tongue strokes over every corner of Ryan's warm and panting mouth and Ryan slides a hand down his toned back underneath the curve of Josh's ass, pulling his lover's hips against his own, leaving Josh to gasp softly as he reaches over to his nightstand, fumbling for the clear plastic bottle and foil packet before returning to Ryan's skin. "You're so fucking gorgeous."

 

"Please, Joshy." Ryan says with a breathless voice that Josh wishes he could have on reply forever and always. "How are you feeling?" he asks, as he smears the liquid over one finger before slowly pushing the digit into his boyfriend's tight ring of muscle, reveling in the sharp noise of pleasure that Ryan makes from underneath him. "Messy." Ryan replies, as he lifts his hips and brushes his spidery fingers over Josh's arms. 

 

"Everything is just," he gasps, "Messy...And pretty, and exciting." 

Josh pushes another finger in, scissoring the two as Ryan squirms a little and lets a thin whine escape his bitten-pink lips. "Messy, huh? Explain it to me." He whispers, voice thick with lust and still scratchy from the wedding. He loves hearing Ryan talk when they make love though, the hitches and tiny breaths and moans accompanied by the feeling of his boyfriend's nails digging into his back when Josh crooks his fingers inside of him. Josh remembers the thin red scratches he had last time, and smirks a little in hopes that he could gain more. 

"I was just..." Ryan whimpers and pouts a little as Josh pulls his fingers away so as to begin lubbing up his own throbbing length. "Thinking about a lot of, unh, unrelated things, like m-music and cigarettes and y-ou and the past..." Josh nods as he lines himself up to his boyfriends hole before pushing just his head in, reveling at how tight Ryan still manages to feel.  
"J-Josh, fuck..."

He tries not to laugh at the desperation in his boyfriend's voice, but still had to press his smile against Ryan's pale shoulder. It's endlessly cute to Josh to hear those sounds and words just fucking spilling from Ryan's normally silent mouth. "Sounds messy." He agrees, listening to the brunet pant. "Talk to me, baby. And don't stop." He whispers as he begins to move, steady, even thrust making Ryan's eyes squeeze shut and his pearly teeth dig into his slick bottom lip. 

 

"I sometimes t-try to write and, a-and I always get stuck thinkin' about you." Ryan gasps, his perfect mouth dropping open. His hands on Josh's back weren't demanding, simply using it as an anchor to hold him in place. Josh hums against him, "Mhmm?" as he moves his hands to Ryan's thighs, tight and loving as he speeds up, the sound of skin on skin flooding the room.  
"Yeah–and," Ryan slides the ball of his foot down Josh's leg, his body pushing back slightly as Josh thrust into him. "It always starts ab-stract when I w-write," he whimpers another swear word under his breath before finishing, "because I could never w-write something as flaw-flawless as you."

 

Josh revels in the fact that he is the one who gets to do this. He is the one who get's Ryan writhing and fucking gasping with a few gentle touches. "I-It starts out like something imaginary and-and," Ryan let's out a particularly long moan, "then I think of you kis-sing me and th-en it just turns into p-poetry and then, then it's d-done and I wonder where it–shit–came from." The brunet tips his head back, neck exposed and showing off the brands from his lover's lips.

"Complicated." Josh mumbles back, voice sounding thick. He rubbed his jaw against the smooth skin of Ryan's throat. "Well, oh God, yes. There's n-nothing simple about-about it...no–thing is s-simple..." Josh can feel how close Ryan is, fro, his voice to the way the smaller man is practically vibrating beneath him. So he moves harder, his hips snapping as he pulls Ryan into another heated kiss, he knows Ryan particularly likes kissing, and his thoughts are confirmed as he get's to watch as Ryan comes undone from beneath him. With a thin little gasp and a firm pull on Josh's hair, he climaxes. His whole body tensing, shoulders hiking up and foot pressing hard at the back of Josh's knee. 

"Fuck." Josh mutter's, soon after he came himself and spent a brief amount of time cleaning up before falling back into the sheets that would no doubt need to be cleaned the next day. Throwing his arms around Ryan and kissing him deeply, the other man grins a little with a sleepy, blissed-out look in his eyes. "I fucking love you." He hears Ryan whisper as Josh pulls the comforter over the both of them, Ryan tucked neatly at his shoulder with the coffee-colored curls brushing Josh's jaw when he looks down to see Ryan's eyes dropping closed. 

 

Ryan is too far asleep to hear Josh say it back. Josh himself is exhausted too, but can't help but stay up a little longer, a smile just tilting up the corners of his mouth.

 

It used to be that when he couldn't sleep, it was from feeling lost, now, it's because he can't help but fantasize over having his won wedding one day. And he's fairly sure of who he wants to be there with him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S SHORT AND IT TOOK SO LONG AND I'M SORRY  
> IT'S GONNA GET SAD NEXT CHAPTER  
> SORRY FOR THAT TOO


	4. Autumn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Endings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it guys, and special thanks to Lya, your comments really mean a lot to me. A hung them up over my computer for motivation. This ones for you, sweetheart.
> 
> I recommend listening to I Know by Fiona Apple here. It's the song in the chapter, or you can listen to my Spotify playlist for About Today here https://open.spotify.com/user/graceflynn1218/playlist/54M0ms8lDVwCKa8OLmGJLQ

The rail of the stand doesn't feel solid at all. It's the kind of plastic-y wood that you can dig tiny marks into with the slightest pressure to your fingertips. Ryan can feel the small indents of past victims nails as he brushes the pad of his thumb against the rod. He isn't too fond of it, the rail, and the situation in general.

Victim, that's what he called himself just then, and what most everybody else in this room thinks of him as. He knows that, but knowing it doesn't make the bile in his throat burn any less, or the eyes focused on him as he stands at the front of the room console him at all. They're all thinking the same things, victim, weak, damaged, lost. The jagged piece of his nail, left from countless nights of biting, catches onto a carved detail in the podium and he takes in a sharp breath as he feels the tiny tug. He will have to speak in front of all those people in just seconds.

Secondssecondsseconds and then everybody will think that they know everything. It doesn't matter though, because all the courtrooms and all the interviews from curious lawyers in the world could never fully understand how it feels. They have sympathy, and maybe some of them have some understanding, but they don't know, not like Ryan does. And now they expect him to stand here in front of a jury to confirm what everybody knows, that Brendon Urie is a man of abuse, and now apparently assault according to the new case posed by a girl a few months before, the indecent happening only days after Ryan had seen Brendon in their apartment. 

He had thought then, that he would never see Brendon again. Some naive part of himself had allowed the belief that Brendon would disappear to carry on. But now, Ryan knows that if he were to lift his eyes to the first table of the courtroom, only a few feet away from himself, he would be met by a teasing smirk and uncaring, coffee-colored eyes. 

"Mr. Ross?" 

The judge's voice cuts through his train of thought, pulling his gaze up from the floor of the podium, although he purposefully fixes his eyes away from Brendon, focusing on Josh instead, who was made to sit with the few other witnesses, although even from where he is, Ryan can still see the angry set in Josh's jaw, and the way Josh's sight is drilling into the back of Brendon's head. Josh had been furious ever since they received the first letter from court, from a legal rep looking to investigate some charges filed from ex neighbors of Brendon and Ryan's who had suspicions of domestic abuse. Josh had gotten mad, at court, at Brendon, at anything. He told Ryan that it was one thing to not be able to protect yourself from a horrible situation, but it was another to not be able to protect somebody you love. 

Ryan had been at best, numb. And at worst, lost in the choked, silent panic that reminded him of the first times when Brendon had started to hurt him. 

"Mr. Ross, if you do not provide an account to confirm the suggested abuse posed by the court, Mr. Urie will be released from the room only with charges of assault staged from Ms. Vanderwall." 

Vanderwall, that was the girl Brendon had attacked. Ryan looks to the bench where she is sitting. Her dark, curled hair is left in an afro that rest at her shoulders, framing her arched cheekbones and stunning doe eyes. She is undoubtedly beautiful, and Ryan feels his chest tighten a little that she had been hurt by Brendon at all. If he had just filed charges years ago, instead of being too afraid, she would have lived her life without ever having to feel used. 

"Mr. Ross, your attorney has stated that you could provide a detailed account for the jury." 

Ryan swallows thickly, before raising his chin towards the jury. His voice is awfully cracked when he speaks, the nervous stutter he had developed back when he was with Brendon making a sudden reappearance as his voice cuts through the fluttering quiet of the courtroom. 

September 30th, 2011

Ryan was curled under the thin, cotton sheets of their bed. A mass of dark curls peeking out from under the fluffy pile of pale green that rises and falls slightly with each deep breath Ryan takes in his sleep. Brendon smiles a little, before sliding off his jacket and slipping into bed next to the boy. Ryan's body is cold, despite the sheets, so Brendon pulls him to his chest, his own strong arms wrapping around Ryan's slightly full hips as Ryan himself makes a small noise as if to indicate that he knew Brendon was there. Brendon's fingers are still focused on his hips though, a frown settled on his lips as he feels the new layer of weight. He always preferred it when Ryan looked more waifish, fragile, really. It was a pretty sight, and the difference that they held between themselves in muscle mass tended to please Brendon. 

"Bren?" Ryan whispers, a small smile on his lips as he turns over with a sleepy, content expression. Ryan always refuses to make a deal out of his birthday, but Brendon can tell that Ryan's mood is at least a little more elated that usual. "Morning, sugar." Brendon replies as he leans down to press a kiss to Ryan's soft lips. It was still early, he had time if he could get Ryan in the mood...

"Can we get breakfast? Like we used to in Vegas?" Ryan pipes up from next to him, interrupting his thoughts just as Brendon can feel himself becoming more heated. His jaw tightens in annoyance, but he does his best to keep it to himself, for Ryan's birthday, at least. It was difficult to keep the exasperation out of his composure though, because even though he had taken Ryan to a fine city, with a decent apartment and a more than decent college, the other man still openly craved the sun and ocean of the west coast, even though they had been in Chicago for almost three years now.

"Sure, baby. But get ready quick, I don't want to wait." He says, not missing the way Ryan's face brightens before his boyfriend jumps from bed and walks towards the bathroom, his pale legs slender and milky, at full view as Ryan only cover is Brendon's Queen tee shirt, which barely reaches the tops of Ryan's thighs, even though it slips down the boy's shoulders in width. 

It goes fine, mostly. Ryan comes out of the bathroom with freshly brushed brown curls and a thin green cardigan covering his own Replacements tee with a pair of black skinny jeans sitting low at his hips, all clothes that Brendon approves of. Ryan doesn't even talk to much either on their way to a small breakfast diner near campus. He simply sticks to Brendon's side, making the occasional comment about the city which Brendon nods along with, humming a little under his breath until they reach the place and he opens the glass door for Ryan.

The day carries along like that mostly. Ryan never liked people the way Brendon does, so they don't go to any parties or clubs like Brendon would've liked. They go to an art museum, where Brendon folds his arms over his chest and smiles a little as Ryan rambles on about modern impressionist and textures. He does like seeing Ryan like this, truthfully. And it reminds him as to why he has the small box tucked into his jacket pocket. There had never been any question as to who Brendon had his intentions to marry, obviously. He had known who he wanted as soon as he saw Ryan walking out of Bishop Gorman back in Vegas, with a notebook clutched to his chest and clothes too loose to properly cover the rings of bruises covering his arms. Brendon knew from that moment that he could take Ryan away, and make him better.

He wasn't going to give up now then, and he doesn't have any doubt in his decision. 

So he takes Ryan to a botanical garden after the museum, once the sun begins to set and the thin chill of September in Chicago sets in enough to have Ryan tuck himself neatly into Brendon's side. 

"Ryan?" He asks, turning his eyes to the brunet next to him and almost instantly, Ryan looks up and smiles back at him. "Yeah, B?" He tilts his head to the side a little when he speaks, and Brendon smiles slightly at the habit before he steps back away from Ryan slightly, sinking to his knees on the gravel path beside the pong filled with flowering lilies and the sculpted bushes filled with tiny fairy lights, the golden glow from the strands illuminating anything that the cast-iron streetlamps placed sporadically along the path don't. 

Ryan's eyes go wide almost immediately. His thin shoulders moving up as his hands come together and his pretty pink bottom lip gets sucked in between his teeth. It surprises Brendon how truly shocked Ryan seems. He has assumed that Ryan had always known that this was coming, just as he had.

Ryan said yes, obviously. Taking Brendon's hand and nodding eagerly as Brendon slides the thin band of sterling silver onto his boyfriend's (now fiance's) finger. 

It was a week later, only a week, and Ryan knew there was something wrong with that, but Brendon didn't. 

Brendon never had the intentions to do it, and he really hadn't in months, or at least enough time for Ryan to begin to believe that he wouldn't again. But Brendon had become so confused and frustrated because he loves Ryan so much and he just, he didn't mean to do it. But life with Ryan could be so aggravating. The other man never knew what Brendon wanted, never paid attention the way Brendon did. Everything had become so monotone...An unpredictable mess that consisted of months of peace and then weeks of Brendon's rage when he realized that he wasn't happy, but Ryan must be, Ryan must be because Brendon gives him everything, right? 

Brendon watches the television warily, unable to anything when he can see Ryan sitting atop the kitchen counter, a book from the university in hand and a cup of tea in the other, like some kind of poet-wannabe.

Ryan is cross legged and looking young as ever. He was tired, some part of Brendon knew that. Tired emotionally and physically from the sex that Brendon had awoken his fiance with that morning. He had expected to feel better after that, but looking at Ryan now only made his blood boil more, and he can't seem to stop anything after he slams the TV remote down, watching as Ryan's head startles up and he nearly drops the steamy drink.

"Brendon? What is it?" Ryan asks, but he's already setting his cup down and moving slowly off the counter. He has years of experience, and this dream-fantasy of a peaceful engagement that he's been living in cannot change that. Hazel eyes already looking towards the bedroom door, hopeful for an opportunity to hide there until Brendon can cool down, but Brendon can never cool down anymore. Something about Ryan...It could be the fact that he knows Ryan is too terrified of being alone in the world to ever leave. Brendon knows he has that power, or maybe it's just that the first years he knew Ryan, he knew him covered in bruises, an it seems unnatural to have the boy carry on without them. 

He slaps Ryan hard across the cheek, eliciting a small whimper from Ryan as soon as Brendon's skin connects with Ryan's own. More so from shock than the actual pain. Ryan was used to blocking out what's happening to himself physically, or at least he should be by now. 

"Why can't you just be good, for once?" Brendon says, low and steady as his fingers grip onto Ryan's chin and force the smaller man to look at him. "After all I do for you, and you still can't be what I want, and I don't ask for much, do I?" He sighs, and Ryan instantly begins the splutter out a breathless apology, stuttered words coming out in a thin voice, stilted from having been repeated many times before. It's like fog to Brendon. The same thing, over an over again. 

He's not positive as to when he begins to choke Ryan, but the bruises left over Ryan's pale neck for weeks after assure him that he did it. He still gets flashes of memories from that night and many like it. Choking, slamming Ryan against the cabinets and catching the back of the boy's head against the open corner of one, the slams of fist against delicate bird-like bones that seem the break or sprain like twigs. The noises Ryan would make with each hit or pull at those dark curls, mostly just choked apologies, even though he never said the right thing. He cried a lot too, more than Brendon would think possible. He figured one day Ryan might end up crying himself out. 

It was months later, a while after Ryan had started to work his job at the bookshop, that Ryan was sat at the table (He didn't sit on the counter anymore.) twisting his engagement ring as he looked up to Brendon, who was stirring a pot of noodles at the stove, humming under his breath as he smacked the stirring spoon against the side of the pot. 

"why don't you love me anymore?" Ryan said, his voice flat, lost in the way that it had been lately in the few times that Ryan even dared to talk.   
Brendon didn't look up at him. Not having to to know exactly how Ryan would appear. "I always love you." He returned, stirring the pasta on the stove idly.

"Just tell me." Ryan's voice shook, and Brendon still wouldn't look at him, he didn't want to, really. Ryan's melodramatics were tiresome, and even if he was upset now, he wouldn't leave. 

"I don't know." That was all he said, and it wasn't a lie. He had no idea why he just couldn't stand to be around Ryan anymore. Because Brendon really did love him. Loved him so much it fucking hurt, but he was so exasperated, all the time.

Brendon could have stayed silent, could have just listened to Ryan until the boy got over it. "I knew it." Ryan rambled, "I knew it and Josh warned me..." "I knew all the time this would happen. It always happens." The giggle that escaped turned into a quiet sob. "I fucking told myself that nobody ever means it. Nobody ever stays."

Ryan curls into himself, hands shaking. He should've known better though, because as soon as his eyes close enough to try and squeeze back the heated tears that come from the sudden conformation that everything, all these years with Brendon, and he still wasn't loved. He should've known better though, because he had said Josh's name, accidental or not, and now Brendon's pulse was beating hard and he can feel his nails dig into the palms of his hands as he strides over the Ryan. 

"Who's Josh?" He barks, not even going for his usual voice of anger, the quiet, warning tone is instead replaced with a sharp yell that shakes Ryan even more and the smaller man begins to shake his head, realizing his mistake.

"You told someone? You told a man?" Brendon yells, instantly moving his hand into a knot in Ryan hair so as to yank his head back, glaring into melted-brown eyes that are filled with panic and tears as Ryan furiously stumbles over his stuttering words of denial. 

"N-No, not l-like that, B I promise. H-He's nobody." Ryan gasps, but Brendon hardly hears him, instead pulling Ryan off the chair and onto the floor. It's only an hour, but it feels like a decade for Ryan. A mess of boiling water and kicks and denials until he eventually passes out in a crumpled heap onto their kitchen floor.

He leaves that week.

 

Now,

The courtroom is silent, which is possibly more unnerving than anything else. It's then that Ryan finally looks at Brendon, and if it had been possible, he knows his blood could've been turned to ice right then. Brendon is smiling, a finger twisted into a dark strand of hair as he watches Ryan at the stand. Ryan knows that he's going to be sick, and everything is pounding and hurting and it's fartoomuch to be happening in front of all these strangers.

He had never talked about how it was, he had never wanted to. He wasn't at all ready to face those memories, that wasted time and hurt and the pure feeling of hopelessness...

Now everyone knows, and Ryan can never pretend to forget now. Not when everybody will look at him and think only of his weakness. 

Ryan is ushered off the podium, and he distantly hears the judge's gavel as a hand presses to the small of his back, soothing circles rubbed into the fabric off his grey suit until he shrugged the hand that was undoubtedly Josh away. He doesn't want to be touched, especially not by somebody who is doing it out of pity.

Josh can't love him properly now, he knows that. Josh has a hero complex, and he'll act like he has to step on glass, he'll be too afraid to break Ryan now that he knows the extent of his time with Brendon. Ryan can't do that to somebody he loves, he knows that that'd make him no worse than Brendon. Making Josh a prisoner of his own misguided guilt? The very idea makes Ryan feel sick.

God knows though, the idea of loosing somebody else...Of losing Josh...He knows that nothing could be worse.

He probably won't want to live for very long after he leaves, but that thought doesn't surprise Ryan at all. Suicide has been in his vocabulary since before high school. It was only a matter of time, really. 

He doesn't remember the drive home, or slipping into the bathroom and locking the door behind himself when he gets there. The pale-blue cloud around his vision is only penetrated hours later by the sound of fist pounding on the door, and for a second, the room shifts back into his and Brendon's old bathroom. The grey walls and cracked tiles...Ryan curled up inside the tub as fist rained down on the chipped door...Heavy breathing, choked sobs....

"Ryan!" 

As if he had apperated, Josh is suddenly right in front of him. Mocha eyes fixed on Ryan's hazel ones, huge with worry as he watches Ryan blink away the flashback before pushing himself away from the larger man with an urgency that shocks Josh and if he weren't to shove the feeling away as soon as it arrived, he would say that it hurt.

"Ryan, it's been hours...We have to talk." Josh says, gentler now that he knows Ryan isn't dead. He doesn't seem to know what to do with his hands now that Ryan won't let him touch him though. Wringing them uselessly over his own knees.

Ryan shakes his head, eyes case downwards as he presses his thumb to his bottom lip. He didn't know he had been crying until he looks down and sees the small dark splashes on his pressed white shirt. The suit jacket and tie from earlier are in the garbage can beside the toilet now. He doesn't remember doing that either.

"Ryan, the court decided the verdict after you left. He's going away for a very, very long time. You won't have to see him again."

God, he really doesn't understand.

Ryan tries not to be an angry person, he never wants to see anything like Brendon within himself. But he can't help it when his head snaps up and he glares hard at Josh, his pale hands flying up to tug at his own dark curls as Josh stares at him. Always staring, always watchful.

"It doesn't fucking matter where he is, Joshua!" He says, his voice sharp and thin, like shards of glass. They cut the air well enough to be like that anyway. "I do have to see him. Every goddamn day! And now I can't just shove him away because now you know and you're never gonna be the same! You're only going to see what he did to me, not- not me!" His breathing catches, and he cuts Josh off just as soon as the other man begins to speak. 

"A-And you're gonna try to fix me, but I can't be fixed, okay? I'm b-broken a-and it'll be w-wasted time." He shakes his head, rubbing the palms of his hands over his eyes before standing up on shaky legs, numb from sitting curled up for too long, before storming out the bathroom. He keeps tripping over his own feet as he stumbles towards the bedroom, scrambling to grab the few things he had gathered or Jenna had bought for him into the same bag he had arrived at the apartment with all those months ago. 

He turns, and Josh is watching him, as always. Not blocking the door, but near it. Tears are streaming down his tan cheeks and his lips are set into a thin line as his hands stay open in front of his body just the way Ryan liked everybody to do, just so he could know. 

"Look. You're doing it now, Josh. You're changing your hands just because you want me to feel safe...I'm not worth that, okay?" He chokes out. He wants to move forward, out the door and outside so he can go God knows where until he finally decides to end it. His legs are frozen though, and his blood feels like ice as it pounds in his ears.

"Ryan." Josh whispers, and the steadiness that Ryan is used to from the man's voice is gone. Replaced by a distraught shakiness that Ryan wishes he didn't have to hear or cause or even know of at all. Josh is hurt, and it's Ryan's fault yet again.

Everything is his fault, he knows that.

He starts walking, forcing his limbs despite the lead weights that have seemingly attached themselves to his feet. Josh doesn't touch him, doesn't follow him when he walks past. Some part of Ryan knows that Josh is selfless enough that even if it broke him, he would let Ryan leave if he wanted to. He didn't want to be another man telling Ryan what to do. He wishes in some sick way though, that Josh would grab him, stop him, scream at him until Ryan couldn't leave. 

Screw moral obligation. He just wants it all to stop. He would almost choose to have Brendon again if it meant he didn't have to hurt like this anymore.

But he had to protect Josh. He couldn't be a burden to someone as perfect as that. Josh deserved easy, sunshine-y love that sparkled with pink and gold and beach trips and dances with Jenna and Tyler.

He didn't need to take care of panic attacks and nightmares and hurthurthurt.

It's cold outside. 

For once, it's quiet in Chicago.

 

Chapter Four: Part II

It's been months, and it's winter again. Christmas time, of all things.

It's more white skies than grey, which reflects onto the snow which then reflects onto the endless strands of holiday lights and streetlamps. Everything is dazzling, really. 

Jenna is Christmas shopping. She already bought Tyler his gift months ago, and the memory of the purchase brings a smile to her lips. She had wished that she could've bought him something sleek and black and huge, but she had settled on the cheaper option of a warm, brown standup piano. Small enough to fit in their apartment, and she felt that it would suit Tyler, oddly. The size thing didn't matter much though, seeing as they'd have to move soon, maybe to the west coast, somewhere warm. Somewhere with a house big enough for her second surprise for Tyler.

She rest a hand on her stomach, rubbing a small circle with a secretive smile on her lips. She had only found out two weeks ago, but she already felt so, so much love. 

She wanted to get something nice for Josh too. Even if she knew that she couldn't get anything that would make her friend feel better, it would be worth the effort even if to simply illicit a tiny smile. Josh had been almost robotic since Ryan had disappeared. Cold eyes and short words. He had barely finished his last semester of school, and after that, he hardly left his apartment. Tyler still called him every day, or at least texted him when he couldn't. He worried so much, but both he and Jenna knew that there was nothing they could do.

Josh had demanded that they not look for Ryan. He said that if Ryan didn't want them, then they had no right. Jenna understood what he meant by it, but she couldn't help the cold chill of fear that settled in her chest when she thought of where Ryan could be. The only real consolation was that at least he wasn't with Brendon, but that relief didn't last long when she remembered that he had virtually no one else to turn to. Ryan was alone somewhere for Christmas, and that broke her heart.

It wasn't exactly then, when she saw him, but it was that day.

December 18th

She walked into the bookstore for coffee. A place to warm up in before heading back home. She didn't notice him at first, of course. She had already ordered and received her paper cup and was turning towards the door again before their eyes met from across the room. 

Ryan straightened up, eyes bolting towards the door as he snapped the book in his lap shut. Jenna shook her head quickly, just once, before walking over.

"Ryan."

Her voice was solid, almost scornful. None of the false-gentleness that Ryan had expected there at all, and he quirks an eyebrow at her as she sits down in the chair across from him, placing the bags she carried down at her feet before sitting back. Crystal blue eyes staring at him with an expression Ryan couldn't name. Caring? Anger? Familiarity?

"You're being pretty damn stupid, baby." Jenna said with a deep sigh. placing the paper cup on the table between them. "I'm not gonna pretend to fully understand how you feel, because I can't, and I know that. But I do know what love feels like, and I know that throwing it away because of guilt or- or fear, is a huge mistake." 

"Josh is walking around like he's dismembered, in fact, he isn't even walking. He doesn't go out anymore, Ry. He misses you, we all do. And I know that there are probably some valid reasons for you to not want a significant other for a while, and you have every right to that. But you have no right to leave your family. Not like that, anyway. Because no matter how bad you think you are, or how much of a burden you've had yourself believe you are, we all love you so, so fucking much." 

Jenna sits back, her expression softening a little as she watched Ryan. His eyes had moved to his lap, and his hands were wringing at each other, bottom lip sucked between his teeth. He looked awful. All sharp bones that had just begun to fade last time Jenna saw him, and his eyes were sunken in with deep purple circles lost beneath them. 

"Where have you been, Ry?" She asks. Ryan shrugs in reply, his voice coming out hoarse from disuse when he speaks. "I-I wanted to really leave...But I couldn't. I'm- I'm staying with a man named Spencer Smith." 

Jenna keeps her expression schooled, but the name makes her panic. If Ryan had found somebody else...She would never fight the guy on somebody making him happy, but she knew that it'd crush Josh, possibly beyond repair to know that he would truly never have Ryan back. 

"Does he make you happy?" She asks, tone even as she nudges her drink towards Ryan. He needs it more than she does. He takes a sip, and looks at her with a furrow of confusion between his brows before his eyes go wide and he shakes his head. "N-No! Not like that! He's just...Just an old friend. From before...Everything else." 

She nods a little, secretly relieved before she leans forward, meeting Ryan's eyes again as she speaks. "Ry, i'm not gonna tell you what to do, nobody can. But we love you, and if you were to give us another chance, I promise you that it'd be worth it. We could find you your own place, counseling, maybe get you a job again. We can find you something solid. Because baby, knowing that you're floating around Chicago without any kind of real direction scares the shit out of me. And I won't be able to look Josh in the eye if I know that I've left you to do that." 

Ryan is silent for a while, thumbs twiddling together before he takes a deep breath and speaks. 

"He isn't better without me?" 

Jenna's heart breaks a little. She could kill Brendon Urie for doing this to her friend. God, there were probably a thousand people to blame along with that man for making a person like Ryan believe that they really aren't worth it. Ryan was strong, stronger than anybody else she knew, but he really thought he was worthless. "He's heartbroken, Ryan." 

Ryan doesn't go home with her, but he lets her hug him and slip her number into his hand. 

They see each other four more times, and she tells Tyler what's going on after the third. He's shocked and understandably worried, but more relieved than anything else. 

They meet Spencer, who confesses his past with Ryan to them as soon as the other man left the room. He had left Ryan with Brendon, despite knowing the situation, because he was too distracted by addictions to save his own friend. He said he was better though, and Jenna believed him. He had kind, grey-blue eyes, and Ryan looked at him with more trust than she had seen him look at anyone, even Josh. They had been friend ever since they were little though, apparently. So Jenna could understand that.

Ryan is shaking, eyes darting back and forth from Jenna to the door. His knees knocking together in a pair of black corduroy pants that Spencer had apparently purchased with a deep blue sweater the slipped over his hands swamping the rest of him. He had also spent the past hour going back to Jenna with garbled breaths of "Whatifhereallydoesntwantme" for the past two hours. He had been met with a roll of the blonde's eyes each time before she shooed him out of the kitchen so she could attempt to not get distracted and ruin their dinner.

Truthfully, she was terrified also. But somebody had to be hopeful around here. And it wasn't that she was worried that Josh wouldn't want Ryan back. She knew he did, but she was worried that Josh just didn't have the understanding. He often saw Tyler and Ryan as the same. He mirrored the way he had treated Tyler's problems in Ryan, but they were so different. Tyler had needed somebody to be by his side, to be strong until he could find strength in himself. Ryan needed somebody to simply listen and to treat him as an equal for the first time in so long. Ryan had never been allowed to be his own person, and he needed his steps in finding that to be taken seriously, without pity or concern. Ryan wasn't glass, he was metal. 

She was afraid that Josh was too much of a hero to understand that. 

It was an odd thing to watch, their reunion. 

Josh stepped into the door, faded hair, a plastic half smile on his face with two shoddily-wrapped gifts in hand. Ryan looked up from the ukulele that Tyler was trying to teach him how to play, and Jenna can only imagine how hard his blood is pumping right then.

Ryan feels, scared, scarred, elevated, and illuminated.

Josh feels, shocked, spent, relieved, and wronged.

Josh looks down first, blinking as if he can't believe what he's seeing. Ryan stand up and crosses the floor just half way. Josh doesn't move at all. "Josh, I'm sorry." 

"I love you." Josh whispers, before looking up to meet Ryan's eyes. The music from the kitchen floating through the room and the Christmas lights illuminating the two in soft gold. Jenna and Josh disappear to the kitchen, hand in hand to give the two some space. At this point, they can only hope. Whatever happens, happens.

And you can use my skin  
To bury your secrets in  
And I will settle you down  
And at my own suggestion,  
I will ask no questions

"I- I didn't get to say that at the right time, that day. But I still do. You don't have to love me back, but Ryan, it's no burden to love you, it's a privileged. It's like-" Josh drops off, his voice shaking slightly. "It's what I'm meant to do. I was meant to love you, even if it hurts." 

"I don't believe in fate." Ryan says, eyes on the carpet as he bites his lip hard. 

"That's fine." Josh replies.

Ryan doesn't kiss him then. He waits until an afternoon in early spring, when he knows that he'd ready. Josh doesn't asks him if he's sure, doesn't look at him with worry when Ryan presses soft lips to Josh's. He just leans in the way Ryan hoped he would, and they kiss on the street the way they did the first time. Among spring snow and new hope. 

They move to the west coast that June. Ryan get's a job as a songwriter, and Josh as a photographer. Ryan sees a therapist every week, he has nightmares, he gets scared when people slam doors, and he hates when someone raises their voice.

He also laughs, learns to dance, begins to wear lipgloss the way he always wanted, and reads poetry ever Friday night to a crowd at his favorite coffee shop. Josh attends every reading, of course. He takes pictures too, and sticks them onto the fridge to their new apartment.

Sometimes Ryan goes away for a weekend, when he needs to be alone. Josh worries, but he understands. 

Jenna and Tyler name the baby Claire. She has Jenna's eyes and Tyler's nose. Josh and Ryan fly to Chicago for the birth and Tyler is a complete mess throughout the whole night, Josh takes care of Tyler whilst Ryan consoles Jenna until it's time. Ryan and Josh wait outside, and when they're called in, Jenna is laughing with a small, bright-red bundle in her arms, whilst Tyler wipes tears away from his eyes. 

"She's goddamn beautiful." Josh laughs, and Jenna jokes that she looks like a radish as she presses tiny kisses to the baby's forehead. Ryan cries onto Josh's shoulder, and Josh wraps a warm arm around his boyfriends waist, dropping a kiss to Ryan's temple as they sway together from side to side. 

A few months later, the Joseph's buy a small home in the west coast. A year later, Josh proposes to Ryan. They agree on a long engagement, but Ryan wears the band of gold every single day up until the wedding. 

Sometimes, Ryan does things that make Josh worry about him. Like how once they were standing on a balcony, so early in the morning, they could watch the sun come up. Ryan was leaning slightly over the railing and watching the cars whizz by. He was leaning further and further so slowly Josh almost hadn't seen it. When he did, he grabbed Ryan around the waist and hugged him to his chest. Sometimes things happened.

They worked through it, they loved through it. 

You moved like honey  
In my dream last night  
Yeah, some old fires  
Were burning  
You came near to me  
And you endeared to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for anybody who read this. It's the first fic I've ever finished and it was a big catharsis for me. I'm not done with this ship, but this universe for Ryan and Josh is done. Expect more from me soon.
> 
> Lots of love,  
> Grace

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoyed! I update weekly and the next chapter is much, much longer. I'm super excited to see what you guys think!


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